It might look like identity change is a single dramatic moment: a walkout, a public break, a clean line between before and after. The truth is often messier. For many people, the real work of deconstruction happens in the small, repeated choice to keep asking questions after everyone around them has agreed to stop.
Bekah Slider spent years leading inside an evangelical church, first as an unpaid volunteer in her early 20s, then for seven years as an ordained staff pastor. She oversaw youth ministry, preached from the stage a few times a year and built her adult identity around her faith. Then, in her late 30s, she began pulling at threads she had spent decades ignoring, starting with a teaching that never squared with what she knew to be true about herself.
If you have ever felt the gap between who you present to the world and who you actually are, this conversation is for you. It is not really about religion. It is about the mechanics of change: how people talk themselves out of their own doubts, what it costs to stop doing that, and what gets built in the space that opens up afterward.
Slider described the year she left her faith as a year of pulling off what felt like layers of her own flesh. That kind of language does not belong only to former pastors. Anyone who has quietly reshaped a marriage, a career or a belief system after years of telling themselves it was fine will recognize the shape of it.
The Art of Negotiating With Yourself
Before Slider left the church, she spent years managing her own doubts rather than facing them. She called this “negotiating,” a daily practice of pushing uncomfortable questions out of view so the rest of her life could stay standing.
“When you’re in it that thick, the biggest thing that’s easy to do is just kind of shove that in a box,” Slider said. “I’m not going to think about that because ultimately, what is that? I have to believe this because this is the bedrock of who I am.”
The negotiating wasn’t really about specific doctrines. It was about avoiding the questions altogether. “When we’re negotiating, we don’t even go to the questions,” Slider said. “We don’t want to dig into what’s happening here. Are we being true to ourselves, or are we being true to outsourcing our authority?”
Amy Stone offered a framework for what Slider was describing: the difference between holding an idea and holding a belief. Once something becomes a belief, she noted, people generally stop examining it. “We just accept it,” Stone said, asking Slider if that distinction matched her own experience. Slider agreed completely, adding that the incentive to stop questioning wasn’t just fear. It was also what she stood to lose: certainty, belonging, a sense of safety inside a group that loved her.
The Brick That Wouldn’t Fit
Every act of self-negotiation starts somewhere specific. For Slider, the first crack came from a teaching she could not reconcile with her own life: the belief that homosexuality was a sin on par with harming another person.
“That just never made sense to me alongside murder, for example, which is very harmful to people,” Slider said. The teaching was not abstract for her. She is bisexual and had known it since she was young, a fact she compartmentalized while married to a man. “I had to shove that in a box, pretend it didn’t exist, but it did,” she said.
As Slider kept pulling at that thread, a larger realization followed. The love she believed defined her faith turned out to rest on something else entirely. “This is all a mask of love built on pillars of fear,” she said.
A Choice You Make Over and Over
Slider is careful to correct a common assumption about identity change: that it happens in one decisive moment. On the worksheet she filled out ahead of the conversation, she wrote that she did not make a single choice. She chose, repeatedly, to stop negotiating with herself.
“We like to think of choices as, this is it, I make this choice, it’s over, it’s done,” Slider said. “But the reality is we can choose, and every day we have to choose again, especially when it’s talking about releasing an identity and taking on a new one. That is not a light switch. That is a return over and over and over again.”
That return took a full year, and it was not gentle. “Every day I thought, if I’m wrong, I am going to hell,” Slider said, describing a fear planted so early in her life that it felt cellular rather than chosen. She did not land on a new, tidy belief system by the end of that year. What she found instead was steadier ground. “I felt like I was home with myself for the first time in my entire life,” she said.
Rebuilding After the Structure Falls
Big transformations get summarized in a sentence, but they start with something small. For Slider, the first step wasn’t leaving the church, ending her marriage or building a new career. It was reconnecting with her own body after years of what she calls disassociation, a byproduct of growing up in purity culture.
“It was finding ways to reconnect to one, my body,” Slider said. That meant learning to trust her own instincts instead of automatically deferring to an outside authority, and rebuilding that trust after past experiences where following her instincts hadn’t worked out. Journaling and talking out loud to herself became the daily practice that carried her forward. “I’m going to keep unshaming. I’m going to keep trusting over and over again, little baby steps at a time,” she said.
The years that followed brought a sequence of decisions that all traced back to that same throughline: her marriage ended, she left pastoral work to become a life coach, and she eventually built a following as a content creator on OnlyFans, a decision she made publicly and deliberately rather than in secret. Each step cost her something. The steepest cost came recently, when her sister cut off contact over Slider’s choices, without much explanation.
“It cost me a lot to be true to something that I was like, this is fun, this feels good to me, and knowing that I was going to lose things,” Slider said. She described an old version of herself that would have tried to explain, to be understood, to win her sister back. She has stopped doing that. “What if you understanding you is all you need?” she said. “There is no greater pain than continuing to abandon who I know myself to be.”
The Cost and the Return
None of this was easy, and Slider does not pretend otherwise. But the version of her life she has now, built on questions she once negotiated away, is one she describes without hedging.
What Slider’s story makes plain is that deconstruction, in any form, rarely announces itself as a single choice. It shows up as a habit of noticing, then a habit of asking, then a long string of ordinary days spent choosing honesty over comfort. The dramatic outcomes, a new career, a changed marriage, a different public life, are just what that habit looks like from the outside.
The harder and more universal part is the part that happens before any of it is visible: the decision to stop shoving your own questions into a box. Slider’s path led her out of a pulpit and into a very different kind of public life, but the mechanism behind it is available to anyone who has been quietly managing a gap between who they are and who they show up as. It starts with one question you let yourself actually ask, and it continues every day after that, for as long as it takes to feel at home with yourself.
This article was inspired by an interview with Bekah Slider and Amy Stone on The Art of Imperfect Adulting podcast. https://imperfect-adulting.captivate.fm/listen or https://www.youtube.com/@imperfectadulting To hear more compelling conversations like this one and receive special offers from our guests directly to your inbox, join our email community today.
Deconstructing Religious Identity: Interview Transcript Bekah Slider with Amy Stone | The Art of Imperfect Adulting | September 2026
Amy Stone [00:00:00]:
This is The Art of Imperfect Adulting. I’m your host, Amy Stone.
Amy Stone [00:00:05]:
I share stories from real people who have already been through some hard stuff. Why? So that you don’t feel alone while you’re busy figuring out your own life. Let’s do this.
Amy Stone [00:00:18]:
Hello, friends. Alright, so since the show is called Imperfect Adulting and I have introduced every single episode so far, 240 plus, with hello friends, I am at this very moment wondering if I should actually be saying something like, hello adults, but I gotta admit that feels weird. But let me know what you think. Leave me a comment wherever you are in the audience if you have any feelings about that. My guest is Bekah Slider. Welcome to The Art of Imperfect Adulting, Bekah. Are you ready for a fun chat? Absolutely.
Bekah Slider [00:00:50]:
I love fun chats.
Amy Stone [00:00:51]:
Me too. Alright, question number 1, what part of the world do you call home? And what’s something you love about living there?
Bekah Slider [00:00:59]:
I call Ohio home currently. And what I love about Ohio is the nature. Honestly, I come from the East Coast, Virginia Beach area. So I was used to lots of city. There’s some nature, but not much. Here you can go 10 minutes and you’re in like rural areas where it’s just trees and fields. And that feels really spacious and like peace and life-giving. So.
Amy Stone [00:01:23]:
Yeah. Nature for the win. Next question. Which of these social generational descriptions, as opposed to like grandma, grandpa, daughter, so these are social generations, matches you? Silent Generation? I don’t think so. Baby Boomer, Gen X, Millennial, or Gen Z?
Bekah Slider [00:01:42]:
That would be D, Millennial. I will caveat that by saying I am a geriatric Millennial. I barely made it.
Amy Stone [00:01:52]:
That’s the reason. These don’t work for everybody and they really are kind of just for fun, but it gives a way for the audience to connect with people. Most of my audience actually, based on the data, whatever it might be, would fall into millennial and younger. So love that. Thank you so much for sharing. All right, so the topic of today, we’re gonna talk about a time in your life when you were deconstructing your identity. The choices that went with that. And I think we’re also gonna be talking a little bit about your process of building a new identity, just ’cause those 2 things tend to go along. I wanna start by rewinding the clock a little bit before all of this happened. You were a pastor. Was that your first profession?
Bekah Slider [00:02:37]:
No, I worked in corporate America for a while in the financial and insurance industry. So I did that for about 7 years, then I was a stay-at-home mom for a few years.
Amy Stone [00:02:48]:
Okay, and then you became a pastor. Okay, so I want to double-click on that and get a little bit more information because one of the challenges I think I find in our big modern world is this confirmation bias when we have a conversation and I’m just rolling along assuming that everybody else understands what I’m talking about. So I want to give you a chance explain, like, what does that actually mean when you say you were a pastor? What does it mean just based on your experience? Not like you’re the dictionary, but your experience.
Bekah Slider [00:03:21]:
Right, right, right. Yeah, it’s interesting because a lot of people are typically alarmed by that because in a lot of denominations, Christian denominations— so first and foremost, it was a Christian church— um, they are— women are not allowed to be in ministry. So it was always a, like, oh, what is that? How are you able? But I was in a non-denominational church So typically it’s not as strict. It’s more evangelical based. And they’re a lot more liberal around the area of women in leadership. Um, as far as being a pastor, for me, I was not the senior pastor. So it wasn’t like I was overseeing the whole church. I was one of more like the assistant pastors. I oversaw family team, which is the kids ministry, the youth. And then I also would preach on Sundays. Um, not all the time, just every few months I would go on stage and preach in front of the main congregation.
Amy Stone [00:04:09]:
All right. So the next question I had feels like it might be something that could probably be its own episode or series, but I was curious when I was getting ready for this, what was the faith or religion or division of ministry or religion that you were attached to?
Bekah Slider [00:04:27]:
Well, it would’ve been evangelical Christianity, like conservative Christian, but it’s evangelical. It’s hard to put a pin on it when it’s not like Baptist or Lutheran. Like, those are very well-known denominations. Nondenominational typically tend to be more, um, even leaning a little bit more Pentecostal. They typically believe in, like, the gifts of the spirit. It’s more liberal in the sense that, like, you come as you are, wear jeans to church. They typically have, like, a band that plays worship music. You know, it’s more like, um, like soft rock, if you will. It’s not very— it’s not this, like, Stand up, sit down, like we sing hymns. It’s very much more modern, I guess, in that sense, if that makes sense.
Amy Stone [00:05:08]:
That’s actually very helpful because I do find it confusing that we have this big umbrella that does not seem as clearly defined as I would like it to be. I would like it to be lined up like I was in a store where it’s like this category is this and this category is that. And I don’t think that’s the world we live in, and that’s fine, but I think I really appreciate you Thank you for taking the time to do that. So you had a corporate job, you were a stay-at-home mom. Did— I don’t know, it sounds like that probably overlapped a little bit with the pastor experience, would be my guess. How long was this time of your life where you were a pastor?
Bekah Slider [00:05:44]:
Yeah, so I started, um, not as a staff, like, paid pastor, but as a lay leader, if you will. Like, basically a person who was in a leadership position, unpaid volunteer in the church. In my early 20s. So that began, I want to say I got married at 21. It was around that time that I became a lead, one of the leaders in the church that was overseeing more like young adults and youth. And then it was about a 7-year stint of me being actually on staff as a pastor from age 31 to 38.
Amy Stone [00:06:16]:
Okay. All right. Very good. So I did not pre-plan this question, but I am going to ask it. Did you grow up in an evangelical Christian family or was this something you discovered as a part of coming to age?
Bekah Slider [00:06:27]:
Yeah, no, I grew up in it. I grew up in conservative Christianity. My, uh, the ironic thing was the church was pretty liberal and, and, um, relaxed as far as the way they approached things, in my opinion, and what I experienced. But unfortunately, my home life wasn’t. It was much more strict, authoritative, almost like beat you over the head with a Bible type energy. So I had a few years, 15 to 19 years old, where I was like, I’m out. Like, I don’t want to do this. I can’t stand this. This is wrong. But through a series of traumatic experiences and events and relationship I had with a guy, I ended up just at rock bottom. And that’s when I thought like, I don’t know what to do with my life. I have no one to count on, no one to turn to. And so I ended up back at church at that time.
Amy Stone [00:07:13]:
Okay. Yeah. Well, I mean, when, when faith and religion is helpful, that’s That’s what it provides us. It provides us community and support and structure, but there is— sometimes that’s not always good, is the way it sometimes works out. Okay, so— and I don’t mean that as— I just mean that as an I’ve watched one too many Lifetime documentaries statement is what that is. Okay, so— On the worksheet that you completed for me about this conversation, you actually said that the turning point for you wasn’t a single big decision. Which makes sense. We make hundreds of decisions every single day. But you describe this as a moment that you stopped negotiating with yourself. And in this conversation, this is kind of an esoteric question, but if you can put it into words, tell us a little bit more about what that means when you talk about it, the decision of stopping negotiating with yourself.
Bekah Slider [00:08:06]:
Yeah. So ultimately when I look back, I realized that there were a lot of question marks I had in regards to faith and the certainty and the safety that I got from it versus what it was actually doing as far as how supportive it was to my life on a daily basis and other people’s. But when you’re in it that thick, the biggest thing that’s easy to do is just kind of shove that in a box. Like, I’m not going to think about that because ultimately, what is that? I have to believe this because this is The rock, the bedrock of who I am. Everything I know to be and how to be and how to live literally comes from this identity of being a Christian and having this relationship with God. So I would compartmentalize. I would just kind of shove those things over and negotiate them away. Like, okay, well, you’re not welcome. We’re just gonna— because this is good enough and this feels like it’s what I know and what is what feels stable. So I’m gonna stay here. So I got to a point where multiple things happened, but really it was like this, this on-ramp happening for a while to give myself permission to ask really hard questions. Because when we’re negotiating, we don’t even go to the questions. We’re just like, no, let’s just— like, we don’t want to dig into what’s happening here. Like, is there some more stuff to— what are we— are we being true to ourselves or are we being true to outsourcing our authority, etc.? And so I started asking questions that I couldn’t look away from anymore.
Amy Stone [00:09:38]:
Okay. All right. You know what comes to mind when I hear you say that is a teaching point that somebody offered me at some point that I can’t remember, which is a framework for is it an idea or is it a belief? Because once something transfers over to something that we believe, we stop questioning it. We just accept it. And so when it comes— if you trade that word belief for faith, to put it in a churchy kind of context, part of that to me is these are the rules and we’re just, you know, in order to move forward, you’re not allowed to question them. Does that match with what— the way you were describing it?
Bekah Slider [00:10:17]:
Yeah, 100%. And then the— you got to think of like, not only is it don’t question it because it feels unsafe, but like, look what I’m being offered.
Amy Stone [00:10:27]:
Right.
Bekah Slider [00:10:27]:
The certainty of eternal life, the safety of belonging in a group of people who love me and who know— there’s so much being offered that it’s like, why would you? Why would you question it?
Amy Stone [00:10:37]:
I love, as a businessy thing, so when you’re forming a business and it’s like, what are you selling and what’s your unique selling proposition? And it’s a ridiculous example to put religion and church into a business framework. It’s an absurdist example, but the idea of selling you know, the afterlife is like the perfect product because there’s no proof, right? Like, we don’t know. There’s nobody who can come back and say yes or no. Like, it’s like, here, buy this. I mean, I understand that’s absurd. I’m not gonna— it wouldn’t hold up to any scrutiny, my example, but that is my absurdist example. Okay, so in this conversation, when we look back in time, we’re gonna jump forward and talk about what changed in your life, but at the time What would you— what in your mind at the beginning of this, what did you think maybe that you were negotiating? Or was it so nebulous that you weren’t really sure at all what you were negotiating for yourself?
Bekah Slider [00:11:34]:
No, it started off with small things. Like, I could see, like, for me, one of the bricks was always— I call it the brick of a foundation, right? Like, pulling it out and being like, okay, let me be honest about this— was the idea that homosexuality was a sin. that it was wrong in the eyes of God. That just never made sense to me alongside murder, for example, which is very harmful to people. Right.
Amy Stone [00:11:55]:
Right.
Bekah Slider [00:11:55]:
So, and then the fact that I am not like, I am queer myself, I am bisexual myself and knew that my whole life since I was young, that was a compartmentalized thing that I had to— I married a man, I’m going to be, you know, just with him. So I had to shove that in a box, pretend it didn’t exist, but it did. Um, but then it got bigger. It got to the point where I’m asking and negotiating, like, Wait a minute. Like, I have been obsessed with this relationship with God and Christianity because of love, because of the, the expression of like, God so loved the world. Like, you are so loved. He gave his only son, all of these things. And when I started pulling back the layers, I was looking at it really clearly. And it was like, this is all a mask of love built on pillars of fear.
Amy Stone [00:12:42]:
Oh, that is really deep. That is really deep. That’s a lot in there. And I didn’t realize that part of this— so you really did have a root of this, which is a concept of your own identity that didn’t match the box where you were showing up and actually in leadership as an advocate, as a pastor, with your own identity.
Amy Stone [00:13:03]:
Yeah.
Amy Stone [00:13:03]:
And so that’s a quagmire. That is a quagmire. Okay, so I’m going to split hairs for a second. This is a terrible question, but so on the worksheet I’m like, what is the choice or the decision you made? You’re like, I didn’t really make a choice, but I stopped— I chose to stop negotiating with myself. And I think that is a choice there when you chose to have the conversation with yourself.
Bekah Slider [00:13:23]:
It is a choice. And it’s not— we like to think of choices as like, this is it. I make this choice, it’s over, it’s done. But the reality is ultimately we can choose and every day we have to choose again, especially when it’s talking about releasing an identity and taking a new one on. That is not a light switch. That is a return over and over and over again. And the deconstructing of that identity and like the decision, the choice to say, I don’t think I want this anymore, I don’t think it serves me anymore, was a year-long battle. It was a year long of me pulling what felt like layers of my flesh off. It was so excruciatingly painful because I did not know who I was apart from this. And every day I thought, if I’m wrong, I am going to hell. Because for me, that was a deeply seated truth that was hard to get rid of because it started as a child. Right. So that’s just something that was innate. It was like in my cells at that point. So yeah, it was a choice over and over again until it felt like, all right, I’ve let this go. And I don’t know, I didn’t know at the end of that, like, what I believed or where I landed, but it was okay because I felt like I was home with myself for the first time in my entire life.
Amy Stone [00:14:31]:
Yes. That for people who don’t grow up in a faith that includes the concept of hell, it’s an interesting thing to talk to them because they didn’t grow up with that idea. That the choices we make are going to be there. Because I grew up in a Catholic faith, and we also have that concept. And you learn the catechism, and it’s like, if you break these rules, this is your punishment, just like if you hit your brother, you get timeout. And then I married out of the faith into somebody who did not grow up with that, and they were like, well, how could you believe that? And I was like, you’re a little kid. You go to Sunday school, and they tell you this. And the rules are so matter-of-fact, and they start with murder, which everybody agrees is wrong. They start with murder and you’re like, yeah, these are decent rules. You shouldn’t murder somebody. You shouldn’t steal. Oh, I’m all in. And then it’s at the bottom of the list, you’re like, well, I don’t know. Do I really agree with that?
Amy Stone [00:15:21]:
It takes a while. It takes a while. It does.
Amy Stone [00:15:24]:
It does take a while. All right. So you may have answered this, but I’m gonna go through. You choose to stop negotiating with yourself. A lot of things in your life change. You stopped being a pastor, you ended a 22-year marriage, and you started young, but still, that’s a long time. And you become an OnlyFans creator. So my question was, how much time was between these 3 events?
Bekah Slider [00:15:53]:
Yeah, that— it’s always a fun question because people love the OF thing. It’s such a, like, a polarizing thing. But it’s not actually— it didn’t— it wasn’t like I’m done being a Christian and a pastor. Let’s have some fun. It wasn’t like that at all, actually. So in 2018 is when I stepped down from— that was my last year preaching.
Amy Stone [00:16:12]:
Okay.
Bekah Slider [00:16:12]:
2019, I spent the whole year deconstructing. I didn’t know who the fuck I was, what I was doing, any of that. After that year is when I started deconstructing everything else, because if that’s your foundation, my marriage is stemmed out of that, my parenting, my sexuality, everything is stemmed out of that foundation. So, 2020, I’m starting to look at all these things differently because now I’m like, oh, I get to choose just for me. Like, I get to have desires and I can actually prioritize what I want versus what I think I’m supposed to want, or how I want to lead my life instead of what I’ve been told is the good life. So, 2020 is when I ended up deconstructing my sexuality. That came next, which is not surprising because there were pieces of me that were just like, What? Like, oh my God, I don’t have to feel shame? I don’t have to feel shame around this area of my life? What is this? It was incredible because ultimately sexuality is not just sexuality. Like, that is our creative energy, right? So there’s so much tied to that that’s separate. But then, um, I ended up telling my husband in 2020, I don’t think I want to be married anymore. And what happened was I realized I had settled for good enough, right? Anyone from the outside I mean, still to this day, people who knew me in the church think I’m probably crazy and have villainized me. Excellent. Please let me be your villain if it brings you peace. But it was like, I can’t, I can’t keep doing this. This is not what I want to do for the rest of my life. So we didn’t divorce at that time. We took some time because I was like, it’s a long process. Like, you want to figure out, is this for real? Is this what I want? Deconstruct sexuality. I go straight into, from being a pastor, about a year after that, becoming a coach.
Amy Stone [00:17:51]:
Okay.
Bekah Slider [00:17:51]:
That’s when I went into life coaching. I already had a background in counseling, and that was not my jam because it’s like digging really deep with people. But I found the coaching industry. I started getting coached, and I’m like, oh my God, this is my jam. Like, I am good at this. I can see patterns. I can help people shift. I’m doing this myself with my own identity. Let me help people. So I become a coach. I on-ramp to speaking as well, not faith-based, just like inspirational motivational speaking. I’m doing that for a few years, and what happened was our marriage ended up opening up for a little while. We were doing that, but it still was not— that’s not fixing anything. That just brings everything to the surface. And when that’s over, I’m just like, okay, ready for divorce. Like, ultimately, 2023, I said I’m ready for divorce. And I started playing with the idea of OnlyFans a little bit after that. And the reason I did was because I had all this sexual energy. Like high libido. And I’m just like a wild maniac, but I have no desire to go out and just have sex with people. I did that a few times. I’m like, this isn’t my thing. I like depth, connection. What can I do with all this energy? So I spent a year. It was a year. People think like you just jump into OF. For me, I knew I was going to be public with it. I wasn’t going to do it hidden. I knew that I needed to sit with all of the potential damage it could do, right? The stigma, because it’s not just a stigma with the church. It’s a stigma with culture. Ultimately, women doing what they want with their bodies people have a problem with, even other women, unfortunately. So, I sat with that. I’m deconstructing that. I’m like, okay, the judgment’s going to come. What about my reputation as a speaker, as a coach? Am I going to lose people? And, I came to the conclusion that I would rather live true to myself than for the expectations of others. I would rather honor myself even if that meant losing people than continue to fragment myself in a way that I had been doing my entire life at that point. So I told my kids because I have three kids and they’re a bit older, so it wasn’t like they’re super young. I let them know like, “Hey, this is something that I’m gonna do. I want to be. I want to have conversations with you guys. I don’t. I mean, hopefully it won’t impact you, but like ultimately, if people you know find out, like I want to figure out how to navigate that with you. Talk about why I’m doing this because truly also it was I’m sick of this idea in society that women.” cannot be professional and people of influence and women in leadership and express themselves sensually or sexually. Those 2 things can’t go hand in hand. And I’m like, fuck that. Am I allowed to cuss on here? I don’t know.
Amy Stone [00:20:25]:
It just happened. Yes. No, no, it’s fine. I think the only reason anybody should have their own production company and make their own show is so that they don’t— aren’t bound to the rules of that. So no, absolutely.
Bekah Slider [00:20:34]:
Beautiful. Yeah. So that’s, that’s what I did. Okay. So that was 2020.
Amy Stone [00:20:38]:
That was 2023, I think you said. Is that right?
Bekah Slider [00:20:41]:
That was 2024 when I started that one.
Amy Stone [00:20:43]:
2024.
Amy Stone [00:20:43]:
So the process starts of the deconstruction and the identity checking 2019, 2020. So it’s about— it takes you about 4 years to get to the end of that shortlist. And you do have a family, and you do have a community, and you were really working through where did this marriage fit. That could be its own episode. I totally have tons of thoughts and questions about that, but I’m gonna stick to the topic at hand.
Amy Stone [00:21:07]:
All right.
Amy Stone [00:21:09]:
You went through that and you gave us the big brushstrokes. One of the things I like to ask people, it’s sometimes hard to kind of think back in time and think about what the first baby step might have been. But in this process, because you can’t take the big steps, right, until you take the first baby step, do you have any recollection of what was maybe the very first early thing you did that you can look back now and you’re like, this was the first thing I did that was my first step? forward to moving through this process?
Bekah Slider [00:21:40]:
Yeah, I think for me, it was finding ways to reconnect to one, my body.
Amy Stone [00:21:47]:
Okay.
Bekah Slider [00:21:48]:
Because there’s like a whole disassociation thing going on for a long time, I think, with that, just because I was brought up in purity culture. And so allowing myself to like, start believing that I could be intuitively led, versus it has to come from God or someone else, some other authority.
Amy Stone [00:22:03]:
Okay.
Bekah Slider [00:22:04]:
And then you have this like, breakage of trust with that too, because you can look back and see where you thought you followed your intuition or your knowing and it didn’t turn out. And so it was unshaming that whole part of me that had this fear of getting it wrong again. And it was like, what if this gets to be just a fun journey where I get to just know myself? I get to know myself and trust myself, know myself and trust myself. And even if I feel like I fuck it up and it doesn’t turn out the way I thought it would, that doesn’t have to mean anything about what gets to be true in my future. So, it was kind of journaling, talking. I verbally process out loud. Like, if you watch me in my home, I’m just talking to myself out loud all the time. So, like, it’s a lot of just processing out, like, versus letting it sit in your head and make you wrong, because that’s what our brain likes to do. Like, let me just show you how wrong you are. It’s like, no, I’m going to keep unshaming. I’m going to keep trusting over and over again, little baby steps at a time. And, that was really what I would say catapulted me into even greater decisions.
Amy Stone [00:23:02]:
Okay, that’s a really profound revelation. I’m really glad you were able to share that with us. There is a version of that permission slip that happens even outside a high-control religion, just in education. When we look at— when I look at how we train our children in a classroom, the teacher tells you whether you have the answer right. They give you a grade. And then as an adult, if you choose to do something on your own, like go into business, There is a process of that, which is releasing yourself from that permission-based, like, I get to decide if this is where we wanna go. And it’s a big change. It’s a big mindset shift for those of us in it. Yeah. Okay, so now I was giving people a time, the people in the audience a chance to process and prepare for the fact that we’re gonna talk about OnlyFans, or OF as you called it, because I’m sure that people in the audience are like, oh wow, all right, this is gonna be fun, because it’s something that’s big in culture and enormous, and people have a lot of questions. and misunderstandings. All right, so if it’s okay with you, I’d love to ask you a couple questions about that.
Bekah Slider [00:24:07]:
Yeah, go.
Amy Stone [00:24:08]:
All right, see me demonstrating my consent ability. All right, here we go. All right, so OnlyFans is very famously known for adult or explicit content. People who are not in the know, there is actually a bunch of other stuff that exists on that platform. But I do want to give you the chance to categorize what you were creating on OnlyFans and whether or not it was adult content.
Bekah Slider [00:24:32]:
Yeah, it’s absolutely adult content. Um, however, mine, when I got in, I wasn’t sure exactly what I wanted to create or put out because I was like, I’m gonna go at the, at the level of safety in my body, right? I’m not gonna just do— because I didn’t get into it for the money. A lot of people, and especially younger people, it’s more likely to get into it for the money. Like, I’m gonna do this for the money. I didn’t do it for the money. I knew there could be money that would come with it. That’s fine. And also, for me, it was like Let me have— I just wanna have fun. I just wanna have fun. I’ve got an exhibitionist kink. Let’s go. So I started out just with some photos, like sexy photos and things. I eventually started making video content, but it’s been solo. So I stick— I stuck with solo, um, except one time me and another woman made a little bit of content. She’s, she’s also an ex-pastor.
Amy Stone [00:25:15]:
Okay.
Bekah Slider [00:25:16]:
It’s like a whole thing. Um, but that’s what I did. So my, my experience of OF was I show up, um, in the DMs. I talked to people. I would do live streams like twice a month where I’d get on live. This was actually just fun, a big party. But the coolest thing for me was I had decided, I set the intention ahead of time, I was bringing all of me into OF as well. So even though, yes, I have this like sexual side that I’m going to express, you’re going to get all of me. So I’m showing up on Mondays doing Monday motivation audio drops. I did once a month coaching, free coaching for any one of my fans who wanted to show up. There was nothing sexy about it. It was literally like life coaching for these people. And a lot of them had never even done therapy before. And so they’re like, I don’t even know what to do with myself because I’m like inspired and turned on.
Amy Stone [00:26:01]:
Yeah.
Bekah Slider [00:26:02]:
Which again, it was just like, it was wild. But ultimately it was such an incredible experience for me because where people have like stigmas of like, oh, you’re just getting a bunch of creeps and weirdos in there. I didn’t have that experience. A lot of the people, which again, 99.9% men, in my DMs were very gracious, kind, and really ultimately this is the thing, they are looking for connection. People want intimacy, which I define intimacy as knowing and being known. They want that and they’re willing to do whatever, pay for it, whatever it looks like, sexuality if that’s it for them, but ultimately that’s what they want. And so a lot of the people in my DMs are just like, how’s your day going? What are you up to? Like literally just conversations they’re wanting to have. They’re normal humans with half the time they have good jobs. They’re like, it’s, it’s just wild to me. Again, doesn’t mean there can’t be other stuff that are like other people who are different, but my experience was actually really pleasant.
Amy Stone [00:26:59]:
I, I love that. There’s a, there’s a series, it’s a couple years old I think, about where they— a person goes through and interviews some OnlyFans creators and talks about the business of OnlyFans. And what they say backs up your experience with the people on the platform. And then what makes the headlines is the sort of really extreme cases where people spend millions of dollars investing on, you know, or get into debt or whatever might be going on. But all right, so now given the timeframe, one of the questions I have is looking back at your pre— your pre-days, like 2020 and earlier. I want— I was curious whether or not you were somebody at that point when you were a pastor and when you were deep in the church, did you at that time have curiosity or personal interest in Platforms like OnlyFans or other spots that would have been in the media cycle considered adult entertainment or media, was that something that you were aware of and interested in before you even began this identity shift?
Bekah Slider [00:28:05]:
Oh, absolutely not.
Amy Stone [00:28:06]:
Okay.
Bekah Slider [00:28:07]:
My 38-year-old self, even the one who was like just ending her, like about to deconstruct, would have been appalled and horrified.
Amy Stone [00:28:17]:
And does that include—
Bekah Slider [00:28:18]:
Because there was no deconstruction of sexuality. Like, it was like, I was still like, like that with my sexuality.
Amy Stone [00:28:24]:
And does that then include your own self-concept of, and your awareness of yourself as a bisexual? Like, had you put that into a box and just ignored it?
Bekah Slider [00:28:32]:
Well, I tried to ignore it. I mean, when I was having sex with my husband, I was thinking about women sometimes, but you know, you try to ignore it. You try to pretend it’s not there because it’s wrong. You know, it goes back to the shame.
Amy Stone [00:28:44]:
Yeah.
Bekah Slider [00:28:44]:
And shame has the frequency right above death. Like, we will do anything to avoid the feeling of shame. So again, with Christianity, if I felt like I was doing something wrong and it’s bringing up shame, I’m like, nope, no one to do that. Don’t— just ask for forgiveness, move along. So I would say that was the only thing I thought though. This is the craziest thing. I thought I was free in my, I would say, sexuality or sexual experience in Christianity, because my husband and I had a very active sex life. So it wasn’t like there was like this, like, and I wasn’t a prude about sex. In fact, I would talk about sex, no problem. So that’s the weirdest thing is like, I had all of this oppression in that area built up, like ideas around it, but I thought I was free.
Amy Stone [00:29:30]:
Yeah.
Bekah Slider [00:29:30]:
I thought I was free.
Amy Stone [00:29:31]:
I think that, I mean, I think that many people will be able to resonate with that. It’s like, you know, it’s packaged as freedom, but it’s only, it’s only freedom if you match what is rewarded within the culture. Yeah.
Bekah Slider [00:29:45]:
Right.
Amy Stone [00:29:45]:
So yeah, I think that’s— okay, so here we go. So this is another one of my questions that I throw out that might be a little bit weird or just not a good question. Definitely not meant as an offensive or scandalous way. So here we go. So I, in creating this platform, this show and this platform, I do a lot of research about media and growth and content creation and all of these things. starting from years ago, a lot of the examples of success— I don’t know if a lot is the right category, but I have found many people who are teaching growth strategies that their roots are actually looking at the success of OnlyFans accounts, OnlyFans production groups, and OnlyFans like agencies, right? Because a lot of people have had a lot of success on that platform.
Amy Stone [00:30:32]:
Yeah.
Amy Stone [00:30:32]:
And like you said, there’s a huge stigma about it, but OnlyFans is a platform the same way as Meta and the other things. I mean, it’s the same. It’s the same kind of thing. So it’s just very interesting to me. And sometimes people teach it and you’re all the way in it before they’re like, hey, by the way, where I learned this was from this over here. And you’re like, wow, oh my God, okay. So here’s the question, because I think the skill set that it takes to grow in media is probably misunderstood by a lot of people, probably me. on that list. So here’s the question, though, because you were a pastor, you were on stage preaching to a congregation, growing that there. Do you see any kind of overlap in the professional skills that you were using as a pastor within the church to how you grew to a top 1% OnlyFans account?
Bekah Slider [00:31:27]:
Oh, yeah, absolutely. So the first and foremost I would say is that I I have no problem speaking in front of people and being really raw and authentic. Even when I was a pastor, even my sermons would be very like, I would give examples of my personal life. It was very like almost more inspirational than like a Sunday sermon type energy, if that makes sense. So when I would go live on OnlyFans, like the first hour, hour and a half, it’s just me talking and engaging. And I’m just, I’m telling stories. People are asking me questions. I’m an open book. So there is this energy exchange of authenticity where they’re like, this is a fucking real person. Like, this isn’t just someone who’s like, oh, look at me, right? Which, whatever, I don’t care if people do that too. But there’s a different level of connection that people are getting and the vulnerability that they’re getting, which leads to a deeper connection after that, that I think that like that already was a part of who I was and who I am. And so it kind of like just overlapped right into that.
Amy Stone [00:32:23]:
All right.
Amy Stone [00:32:25]:
I love it.
Amy Stone [00:32:25]:
I love it. This is maybe one of the longest questions I’ve ever come up with, proof that I can like drag anything. out, like, my side of it. But I was— when I was thinking about it, I was like, I see this. I see this connection between somebody who is performing in one place to somebody who’s performing in another place. Same when I look back. I mean, I think there was a direct connection between, you know, people who were doing circus-type performance and people who were doing old revival tents. Like, those skill sets, I think they line up. I think they’re similar personalities. That’s true.
Amy Stone [00:32:54]:
Yeah.
Bekah Slider [00:32:55]:
All right.
Amy Stone [00:32:56]:
I was poking around trying to get to know you before we talked today. Was a little unclear on whether or not the OnlyFans is still going on or if it’s in the past tense. Is this something you still do today?
Bekah Slider [00:33:07]:
It’s in the past. So I actually just at the beginning of August, it’s still active. Like if you were to go look for it, it still exists. So that’s not, it’s not like you can’t get on there. However, again, I got into it for what, like this sexual playground, this fun. I didn’t get into it for the money. In 3 months, I hit top 1%.
Amy Stone [00:33:28]:
Yeah.
Bekah Slider [00:33:28]:
So the money came and I was like, oh my God, what? Didn’t expect this. That was fun. So all of 2025 was like, woo. But it was a lot of behind the scenes because I don’t have an agency running my account. A lot of people do that, especially when they hit that big. I don’t. So it’s a lot of admin stuff. It’s a lot of things that I was like, this is not actually why I got into it. And so this year I started feeling like disconnected from it and it’s like, okay, do I have to change things so I love it again? Or is this the end of a season? Because ultimately, I knew it was not going to be a long season, right? I never got into it thinking that. And I came to the conclusion— it was several months ago, probably April— I was like, I think, I think this is it. So I made the decision in June that August would be my last active month where I’m like doing anything. So August 1st was my last livestream. And then I still have— you can’t close down your account until, you know, everybody’s no longer active as a subscriber.
Amy Stone [00:34:19]:
Right.
Bekah Slider [00:34:19]:
So that’ll be a while. But Yeah, I’m not really in there in the DMs much. And I let everybody know. People were devastated, honestly. They were devastated. They’re like, you’re the only real one left, which I don’t think is true.
Amy Stone [00:34:30]:
No, I think that’s— so I appreciate you sharing that answer with us. It’s a complicated thing when you are connected with a certain platform and integrated in what they do that it becomes a piece of your business to the point where it’s like, hey, can I switch? What’s involved? And that’s something that won’t make sense to people who are not necessarily involved in the industry, but it’s a reality of online business for sure. And then another thing that you hit on, which I think is very— relates to creators overall, is that many, many people start with just a, I’ve got something to say and I’m not sure what’s gonna happen next. And that often doesn’t— sometimes translates well and sometimes doesn’t to the sort of The business of running something on that platform with agents and all of the pieces that go in that. And you lived it. You lived it. Okay. So on the worksheet, you said that refusing to abandon yourself when comparison— with comparison to other people’s opinions put you in a position to question yourself, and that that’s the biggest lesson that you learned. completely changed the way you live your life. I would love for you to give us an example of something in your life with before and after, like, that represents that, like, I no longer seek the comparison.
Bekah Slider [00:35:56]:
Yeah, I think, um, I mean, OF is a great example just because of the fact that that cost me a lot. It cost me a lot to be true to something that I was like, this is fun, this feels good to me, and knowing that I was going to lose things. One of the things that I ended up losing unexpectedly was my sister, the only close family member I had left, without even a conversation, which is crazy considering the depth of our relationship, wrote me an email letting me know like she was done with me, we’re parting ways. And she didn’t go into real deep specifics, but basically painted me as this terrible human, and it was linked to my sexual expression. And in the past, my— an old version of me would have tried to reconcile that. An old version of me would have tried to show her like, no, I’m like, I want to show you my character. Like, I’m a good person just because this angle of things I want to do doesn’t make me bad. And like, and I would have tried to be understood. And I think that’s where we abandon ourselves the most is this need to feel understood by Everyone. What if you understanding you is all you need? And that will mean loss because people want you to be a version that they feel safe with so they can feel safe with themselves. But you’re not responsible to carry that. You are responsible to be a person who has integrity to your own soul. And as much as there is pain in all of that, there is no greater pain than continuing to abandon who I know myself to be. And I would rather be at home with me than continuing to outsource my need for validation and hope and love and certainty and belonging when it’s never going to be enough anyway?
Amy Stone [00:37:40]:
That’s— first of all, it’s painful to hear that you lost your relationship with your sister because we hope that our family and the people who are connected with us will see us for how we want to be seen, hear us How we show up and love us no matter what we do. And I’m sure that hurt a lot, especially because— maybe not especially because, but you shared how you were intentional and spoke to your children, who were not young children at the time, but you were aware of the potential social stigma, at least in some way, that it was going to come out. And then you still got dropped from your sister. And that— I want to thank you for sharing that, and I want to just acknowledge that that had to have sucked.
Bekah Slider [00:38:30]:
Yeah, it was definitely hard, but I’m proud of myself for not going back and begging to keep that relationship. But it was, it was a year of grieving. It was all last year, actually.
Amy Stone [00:38:43]:
So it’s very recent, very recent. And then one of the things you said I hear kind of a lot, and I see it in my own life looking around, I probably do it myself, which is Often it feels like we’re trying to explain ourselves to people because of this feeling and sensation, if they just understood, then everything would be okay. And it’s such a painful realization when you say, oh, it’s like, oh, they do understand, they just don’t want me to be this way. They want me to be the version that works for them. I think that’s hard.
Amy Stone [00:39:18]:
That’s hard.
Amy Stone [00:39:19]:
I think that’s hard. And I think a lot of people go through that. And I think it gets even more complicated because people People change. And it’s like the old version of me might have worked very well for you, but now it doesn’t. Yeah, I was a vegetarian and now I’m not, you can find me at the steak restaurant. I mean, you know, that’s kind of the— it’s like that’s another absurdist example. So I’m going to share with people in the audience how we can connect with you. And for everybody who’s listening and watching, the easiest way to get the links is to join the Imperfect Adulting email list. Community, because then once a week I send you the email and you can click on the links instead of hustling around in your bag during your walk for a pen or trying to remember them. Okay, so you— they can find— so these links are in the show notes for where you are. You are on social media, you are on Instagram, Facebook, and TikTok. Those are the places that you show up today.
Amy Stone [00:40:12]:
Yes.
Amy Stone [00:40:12]:
All right, very good. So the links are in the show notes for wherever you are. You have a special offer for the audience, which is Almost. That’s the title, Almost. It’s a workshop for people who are done living one decision away from the life they want. Normally it’s $33, you guys, but there’s a free link. And so your website then is The Invisible Woman. That’s the title that— that’s what we’re working with today, right?
Bekah Slider [00:40:38]:
The Inevitable Woman.
Amy Stone [00:40:40]:
The Inevitable Woman. Good heavens. Get your reading together, Amy. So The Inevitable Woman.
Amy Stone [00:40:44]:
That’s okay.
Amy Stone [00:40:45]:
And the link for that is in the show notes and the description. That is a very generous offer. And I wanna say thank you very much for putting that together for the audience.
Bekah Slider [00:40:55]:
Yeah, absolutely.
Amy Stone [00:40:56]:
My pleasure.
Amy Stone [00:40:57]:
You are very welcome. All right. So are you ready to wrap this up with my final 2 questions?
Bekah Slider [00:41:03]:
Oh yeah.
Amy Stone [00:41:05]:
All right, here we go. All right, here we go. Okay. Share with us, I call this show and tell, it’s something that is entertainment-based, a book, a podcast, a movie, a show. that is, you know, hopefully you get extra points if it’s done by a woman, but you don’t get penalized if it’s not. Something you enjoy that the people in the audience would also enjoy.
Bekah Slider [00:41:22]:
I would definitely have to say, and a lot of people have probably heard of this before, so it’s not going to be necessarily anything new, but it is the only book that I’ve read like 4 times, and it’s You’re a Badass by Jen Sincero. That book has— it not only motivates you and inspires you, but it does it in a way where you can relate to the author and also like take actual action right then and there of like, okay, I’m gonna start doing this differently. And she personifies a lot of the, um, of the ways that she talks in regards to personal development. So she’ll like personify things of like the energy of like, oh, the, the big snooze is like the thing that, you know, that you’re like, oh, okay, this boring voice in my head that’s always telling me who I’m not. So to me, it’s like It’s just a classic.
Amy Stone [00:42:08]:
No, she’s got a whole series of books. They’re very easy to read. I think she’s done some podcast stuff and all of that. You also have a podcast. I think it’s sort of coming online or is taking a little break, but tell us about your show.
Bekah Slider [00:42:21]:
Yeah, it’s taking a break right now. I’m going to do a rebranding of it, not because I haven’t liked it, but just because of the version of me I am now. The podcast is called The Courage to Fully Live, and it’s conversations with people who have had the Courage to walk away from the life that was sold to them or expected of them in order to live true to themselves, what it cost, what they lost, and who they are now.
Amy Stone [00:42:42]:
All right. Do you know what the new name is going to be?
Bekah Slider [00:42:44]:
I don’t. I don’t. I really want to interview— I just want to interview badass women.
Amy Stone [00:42:50]:
No, that’s fair. That’s fair. Yeah, we’re catching you. I’m catching you. This interview is happening really right when this new thing is taking off. So a lot of the titles… A lot of the branding might actually change, it sounds like. I won’t be surprised by that at all. All right. Final section. I call this unsupervised online shopping, inspired by my friend who instead of ordering 3 cans of soap— not soap, soup— online, ordered something like 3 sets of 6 that showed up at her door. Anyway, what is the most recent thing you bought online? Share with us.
Amy Stone [00:43:20]:
Okay.
Bekah Slider [00:43:22]:
This was actually on my wish list. Somebody got it for me online, but I’m still gonna count it because it makes me so happy. And so, you know how everybody has these mics? You know, like, I always just sit here and talk with the mic. I’ve never been— I’ve seen them and I’m like, ah, it’s fine. Everybody has them. It’s not necessary, whatever. But then I saw that the top of the mics could have all of these fluffy options. And when they’re multicolored, I love color. Like, if you look at my house, it’s like a rainbow in here. And so I saw this and I’m like, okay, I don’t actually care about the mic noise or the sound or the audio. I just want the fluffy balls for the top. So yes, these are my mini mics.
Amy Stone [00:43:58]:
The fluffy ball you guys are called windscreens. These are little windscreens for the mini mics. That’s— I love it. I love that. That is the greatest thing. I have a love-hate relationship where people are holding their little mini mic. The old person in me is like, oh my gosh, clip it to your screen. And the mini person in me is like, good for you. The modern person in me is like, good for you getting out there and leaning into the cringe and getting it done. You know, like, I love both parts of it. I love both.
Amy Stone [00:44:25]:
All right.
Amy Stone [00:44:26]:
Bekah, this has been a wonderful conversation, and I just want to say thank you very much for being a guest today on the show.
Bekah Slider [00:44:31]:
Yeah, my pleasure, Amy. It’s been great to sit and talk with you.
Amy Stone [00:44:37]:
Thank you for joining me today.
Amy Stone [00:44:38]:
I hope you enjoyed the show.
Amy Stone [00:44:40]:
Before I go, I want to encourage you to become a bigger part of the conversation. Please subscribe wherever you’re listening or watching the show. That helps my stats. My request from the bottom of my indie creator heart is to please tell your friends about the show. That is the real way new people discover it. If you feel motivated, I would love it if you rated the show or wrote a review on whatever platform you are using. Please be sure to head over to imperfectadulting.com and sign up for the email community. I call this the village. You’ll get some free stuff right away, and you’ll begin to get the weekly emails that I send. This includes the links for special offers from any guests on the show and cool stuff I put together for the community. There’s a lot more going on than just this show, and the only way to find out is to get the emails. Plus, you’re busy. You don’t have time or desire to follow every single tidbit on social media, and you don’t have to because I’m happy to send it to you. If you have a story you’d like to share with the audience, I have an open application for guests. Guess where you’ll find it? That’s right, on the website and in the emails. And that’s a wrap for this episode. Until next time, remember that the journey is the destination. Ralph Waldo Emerson said that, not me. Well, until just now. I did just say it. But what I want you to hear today is that if your adulting journey isn’t going the way you expected, that just may not mean You’re lost. It may mean that you’re just on your way.
Amy Stone [00:46:12]:
And now, the fine print.
Amy Stone [00:46:14]:
The Art of Imperfect Adulting podcast and streaming video show is a copyrighted work created and produced by Amy Stone and Amy Says So. The music was written and produced by Todd Thompson at Dharma Bomb Studios. All rights are reserved. Anything expressed on this show is offered as entertainment, and the views of the guests may not always represent the ideas and viewpoints of the host. That’s me. Amy Stone does not intend to hold myself herself out to provide professional advice or recommendations of any kind. In the end, you and you alone need to make those kinds of decisions based on your personal and individual situation, needs, circumstances, and comfort level. Yeah, it’s a little weird for me to talk about myself in the third person, but you get the idea. This is Amy Stone, signing off.
Amy Stone [00:47:00]:
Signing off.