Motherhood and Survival One Woman’s Journey from Survival to Thriving

Amy Stone [00:00:03]:
Tori Whitaker. Welcome to the Art of Imperfect Adulting.

Tori Whitaker [00:00:07]:
Thanks.

Amy Stone [00:00:08]:
I’m so happy you’re here. Are you ready for a chat?

Tori Whitaker [00:00:11]:
Yeah. Let’s talk.

Amy Stone [00:00:12]:
Let’s do it. I begin and begin every single one of my conversations by asking my guests where in the world they call home. So where are you on this fun day?

Tori Whitaker [00:00:22]:
Currently in northern New Jersey, about a half hour outside New York City.

Amy Stone [00:00:26]:
Oh, very nice. I am a big fan of New Jersey. I spent a lot of time that I was growing up in New York City, and so, yeah, I like New Jersey especially. I like New Jersey tomatoes and New Jersey strawberries and all the New Jersey produce.

Tori Whitaker [00:00:39]:
Yes.

Amy Stone [00:00:39]:
I like the New Jersey shore a lot. True. A lot. I would really. The beaches are fantastic. I like the stadiums in New Jersey. You know, I’m a big fan. Big, big fan. All right, so I’d love to learn a little bit about you as a person before we dive to the deep. Chatterings. So we’re going to talk about your family today. And so tell us something else. Tell us about hobbies or pets or something a little bit about you to get to know you a little better.

Tori Whitaker [00:01:08]:
Oh, let’s see. I never saw myself being a reptilian mom until my son decided in kindergarten that he wanted to be a herpetologist, which we all had to look up that word because. What? And has not changed his mind. He’s in fourth grade now, and we own two lizards, and he’s currently looking into researching the next. So, you know, we do have a dog, and I do have the two kids, you know, one for each hand. But I didn’t know that reptiles would be in my future. So I am a reptilian mom.

Amy Stone [00:01:39]:
Very good. What? So lizards. They’re not snakes.

Tori Whitaker [00:01:42]:
Oh, no. We don’t do pets that don’t love us back. We have a leopard gecko and a bearded dragon that’s about 2ft long, and he’s looking.

Amy Stone [00:01:50]:
Bearded dragons are cool. Bearded dragons are cool. We. We have some allergies in my house, so we don’t have a dog. I grew up with dogs, but I don’t. We don’t have a dog. And. And so we have a hedgehog at the moment, but both of the younger kids asked for snakes. And I am a parent who tries to say yes, but I just. I was like, listen, here’s the thing. There is going to come a time where I am. No matter how many times you promise me, no matter how many times you promise me that you’re gonna do all the things I am gonna have to deal with this. And this is the line that I am not comfortable with. But we did look at. We did look at bearded dragons and then somehow we ended up with a hedgehog. We’ve had a bunch of other things along the way, but I love that they live a long time.

Tori Whitaker [00:02:40]:
I know. Well, then he’s taken them when he goes to college. We’ve already prefaced that. But also we had chinchillas too. So the affinity for exotic animals is. I see.

Amy Stone [00:02:51]:
Chinchillas are cool. High maintenance, though. High maintenance in the terms of like the special enclosure and the dusting thing that they do.

Tori Whitaker [00:03:00]:
Yeah, yeah. Cool, though. And there’s no allergies because there’s no dander and that’s why I got them.

Amy Stone [00:03:06]:
So, yeah, they. We. So we had. What do we have? What were they? Oh, guinea pigs. We had guinea pigs for a while.

Tori Whitaker [00:03:13]:
Yeah.

Amy Stone [00:03:13]:
And they also are sort of hypoallergenic. But there were people in our family. They do smell. There were people in our family that were. They eat hay and there were people in our family that were allergic to hay. You know, you can’t win. You just. When you get to. I have a big, big, complicated family. And so, like, I was just, you know, some people are just going to have to be a little bit uncomfort. Well, we’re going to have to draw the line. We’re going to draw the line here a little bit because once they come into the house, I am a person that. It’s like, once they come into the house, like they’re ours. Like, it’s my duty to take care of them for their life. So they are totally off topic. Sorry for the audience, but totally off topic. It’s not every day that he gets talking about the bearded dragon. Today we’re going to talk about how your life changed when you ended your relationship with your husband. Does that sound like a good topic for today?

Tori Whitaker [00:04:01]:
Yeah, that’s perfect.

Amy Stone [00:04:03]:
All right, very good. So I’m going to drop in here and this is just a little bit of filler chatter because if you’re in the car with kids, we are going to talk about domestic violence. And this is the time. This is your chance to switch to Kidz Bop or turn it off and listen to it later and something more benign. All right, so let’s back way up and talk about your relationship at the beginning and tell me how you, like, met your ex and what, how, you know, how old you were and what was going on at that point in your Life.

Tori Whitaker [00:04:34]:
I was 22. He was 24. I had just graduated college and moved out. I had a previous relationship implode, and I was kind of the college grad. Trying to see where your life fits. Now what do you do after college? Right? That kind of like, what’s the next step, let’s say. And we were both coming out of relationships, and we met at a party. We were friends for a little while, and then we started dating. And, you know, a year, year and a half into it, then you’re like, okay, I guess then the next step is to move in. Okay, then. Then the next step, we get engaged. And then, like, you. You do it how society maybe sets it up for you. Like, this is the next step. Right. And I’m originally from the south. So honestly, at 26, I was the last of my friends to get married. Everybody else already married. So very different, you know, geographic positioning there. That really impacted, you know, what I thought the right next steps were. But so, yeah, that’s sort of how we started. Just kind of what you’re supposed to do. His family had the. The white picket fence, the golden retriever named Goldie, parents together for 30 years. You, like, you think you’re coming into good stock, and it’s terrible to say out loud. Hindsight, you’re like, that’s what I was looking at. But it was kind of what I was looking at. I was like, this. This seems like the right thing to do.

Amy Stone [00:05:48]:
Yeah, it was the right time. You were the right age. Check off the boxes. We talk about checking off the boxes. These are the things that I’m going to do. Absolutely. So you’re not from New Jersey. You moved there for school then, or to the Northeast.

Tori Whitaker [00:05:59]:
So I moved to the Northeast to do gymnastics in college in Connecticut. And once I graduated, I got a job in New Jersey, and so I just moved and I stayed up here. I’m originally from Atlanta.

Amy Stone [00:06:09]:
I love Atlanta. Very nice. All right, so in your pre interview, you mentioned that you had at least one kid. Now, I know you have two. Yeah, two kids. All right, so are they both from the same. Same parents? Both same parents. Okay. Two different parents are very good. Just a little bit of the. A little bit of the. The stuff. So I’m going to ask a couple of questions about the relationship and the violence that you experienced. If at any time I step over the line, ask something that makes you uncomfortable, just let me know and I will back off. I’m not the host of a true crime podcast. This is not Dateline Expose. I’m not. You know, that’s not the point, But I do want to give you a chance to share whatever details you want to share without it being the focus of who you are, what has happened. Okay. So did you. I think. I think you. I think you started this. Was the abuse present for your entire relationship or was it something that developed and increased over time?

Tori Whitaker [00:07:04]:
Definitely was a slow leak. It did not start out that way at all. I would say it started to. Let’s say these micro outbursts happen, and then kind of once you set that as the next line, then it’s easier to get there and then cross a little more. Right. Maybe a slipped word or derogatory comment turns into maybe a shove or a shoulder check. And Right. So at first you’re kind of stunned. You’re like, the heck was that? We were fighting. They apologize, whatever. But it’s always easier to toe that line and then cross it. So I would say this was not present at the beginning at all. I would say this was absolutely a slow leak and had other reasons behind it. Not to justify it, but I think I really started to pick up on these patterns probably as we got engaged. And then that first year of marriage, for sure.

Amy Stone [00:07:54]:
Interesting. Okay, that is interesting. I mean, that is the way that shift to the shift of normal happens in anything that we’re doing. Right? So one day you’ve never driven a car. Two years later, it feels like a very automatic process because you practiced it, right? So one day you don’t go to the. I mean, as a gymnast, you have like such a moving bar of what is normal. One day you don’t know how to do a trick. Five years later, that trick is, you know, something that’s super easy. And you’re right, right? So it’s always moving and. And it does. It gets harder and harder to remember where the old lines were. So thank you for sharing that with us. So we know that you’re here talking today. So this is not the, you know, the Dateline special with a horrific, you know, outcome like that. And I know from your intake that part of your story is that when you left, you went to a shelter. And I wonder if you would back this up for us and let us know how long from when you decided that this had gone too far to when you were able to get out and go to a shelter, how long it took you to plan and execute actually leaving.

Tori Whitaker [00:09:07]:
So. And I’ve done a lot of soul searching, hindsight being 20 20, especially the more I share this story, you know, what was that? What was the aha. That Got me out. And I wish it would have had this cool like trajectory of I thought about this and I pre planned. I didn’t just like gymnastics. I found the parallel of like you think about a skill and you go three seconds or you get off the beam, right? That’s kind of how you’re taught and trained is very much what I apply to my life. So to back it back up, he had put his hands around me when I was holding our six month old son. And I told him right from that time, I said, if you ever put your hands on me again, I will leave and you will never see me again. And I meant it, right? And I meant it with the authority a of my self love and self respect, but also the safe safety of my son who can’t defend himself. And I’m his advocate. But also if that’s now our new bar, I’m gonna retaliate and I’m gonna be in trouble and now my kid’s gonna be an orphan, right? Not to be dramatic, but like in my head it shot so far out. I think in that moment I set that firm boundary and coincidentally, six weeks to the day, he did it again. Six weeks to the day. And I grabbed all my stuff in two black trash bags. I grabbed my car seat and my son. I was just looking to get to safety. I don’t have any family in the state, so I was looking for anywhere I could go just to get out of our marital house. And it’s interesting because a lot of the people that you think are in your cohort and your support network, when I had no one, they were like, well, we can get you into a shelter, we’ll get you there. All these people I’d known for 10 years, nobody’s offering to take me and my kid in. They’re like, we’ll help you go somewhere else. So all that to say it was kind of like, you’re on your own kid. What are you going to do? So from the first time he put his hands around my throat, six weeks to the day, immediately I reacted and I left. And that was it. That was truly it. There was no back and forth. What are we going to do? That was it that I had to follow through. That promise I made to myself, not only for myself, but for my son.

Amy Stone [00:11:09]:
That is a really, that took a lot of inner strength. It’s a huge thing to do. It’s not something that I’ve gone through and I want to be open and admit that I’m not standing in a position of Understanding and sharing this experience, but instead, like, honoring the strength of hearing it and a witness to how hard that decision is to make. In a conversation earlier today I was having with somebody, I shared that I find it very interesting that when they represent conflict in like a TV after school special, right. The. Not like a serious one, but let’s go with like, teenage drama. Like, you know, like, right. Or, you know, whatever it’s. They have. They have a fight and the person’s like, you need to leave. And then the other person does. And in my mind, I’m like, this is. There’s never been a fight ever in the history of, like, my life where that’s the way it works. Like, you’re fighting with somebody and you’re like. You’re like, I have to leave. Like, I have to leave the room or I have to leave the, you know, the situation. And it’s huge and it’s hard and it’s. It. It means walking away from everything, which is terrifying.

Tori Whitaker [00:12:24]:
Yeah, absolutely. Part that we’re leaving out and. And my fault is that it wasn’t like I was like, hey. I said, don’t do it. I’m leaving. And it was like, right, see ya. The part we’re not addressing is that he chased me. He’s screaming at me in a middle of the daytime. For the reference. It’s a Wednesday at 2:00. And he’s screaming, give me the flipping baby. Get. He’s screaming. And I don’t. I’m tunnel vision. I’m just like, get to the house, get the keys, get. Like, you just go into mom mode.

Amy Stone [00:12:52]:
Really.

Tori Whitaker [00:12:52]:
For lack of a better descriptor. But in the police report I had to file when I’m still, like, trying to process, did he really just end our marriage? Right. Is very foggy. I have bruising. I have bruising on my back where he reached for me to give him the baby. And I shielded the child, obviously, and just kept walking. Middle of the public. People are calling 911 on my behalf. Thank God, because I was just like, I need to get the hell out of here. I need to get the hell out of here. But, yeah, to your point, long way home. It wasn’t like I was like, I told you I would leave and I’m leaving. And we’re like, right.

Amy Stone [00:13:23]:
Shaking.

Tori Whitaker [00:13:23]:
Nice to be married for eight years. See you later. Good luck. I mean, it was volatile. That was just indicative of the whole situation. This wasn’t a reaction. This was who he was now. And it was my decision to say Do I show my son that this is okay? Do I put my child in that harm’s way? Do I risk retaliating, seeing red and hurting him to protect my son? Now I’m in jail. That just doesn’t go with who I am. Right. So we had to be, you know, selfish. It wasn’t. But we had to choose me. I had to choose me and, like, had to get out.

Amy Stone [00:13:56]:
And that is not the only choice. Right. This is a very. My understanding of it is that as somebody who’s not gone through it, but as somebody who has read stories like anybody has, is a very complicated, very layered decision, very disempowered. There’s a lot of things that are going on. We’d love to live in a utopian world where everybody has a friend that will say, we’ll take them in, where there’s a vendor down the street with a deli. That’s like, here’s what you do, here’s where you go. I’ve never met anybody who’s walked this path who has had that experience. And so how did you. You mentioned briefly that you did reach out to your friends. They didn’t react exactly the way you expected. How did you find the shelter? And I ask you this not actually as a point in reference in, like, the details specifically of your story, but really honestly, in case there’s ever somebody that listens to this that is like, what do I do?

Tori Whitaker [00:14:50]:
Yeah, what do I do? Yeah, fair point. So the people that I was telling them a little bit about what had happened, trying to find, you know, refuge for my son and myself, they had actually looked up services that are provided in New Jersey. There are safe houses, etc. You have to call, find the location, give them your situation. They see if they can house you. It’s not posted publicly. So, like this. These places are, you know, safe. They’re not on the map. You have to call ahead, give them your scenario, and then, you know, see if, A, they have space, and B, if this would be a good fit for you to find safety. And so they helped me find those resources, yes. And then we were able to find where I could stay and. And figure out my next move with him.

Amy Stone [00:15:37]:
And you’re doing this from, like, the car?

Tori Whitaker [00:15:40]:
Correct.

Amy Stone [00:15:42]:
Oh, okay.

Tori Whitaker [00:15:42]:
So now you do trash bags, child my car. That’s it.

Amy Stone [00:15:47]:
You did mention this, that when you think back to this time, that your memory is foggy. And that makes perfect sense to me as somebody who has talked to lots of people who’ve gone through hard things. But does it Surprise you that it’s not more firmly gelled into your memory or. I mean, do you know enough about how you processed it to know what causes those foggy memories?

Tori Whitaker [00:16:12]:
Foggy? I mean, yeah, we’re going through EMDR and stuff with therapists. Yeah. We’re doing the real digging with the shovels and stuff. I’m very ironically, my. Or coincidentally my, you know, second major is psychology. So, like, I understand the benefit and the. Thank God for the resources. Right. So I’m able to. Yes. See why it’s foggy. Your brain’s trying to protect itself.

Amy Stone [00:16:37]:
Totally. Protection. Yeah.

Tori Whitaker [00:16:38]:
Just showing pre. Protection mode. Right. So some of it is definitely hazy as to, like, why was I. Or what was I thinking or like, the rule ins and outs. I can remember clear as day what happened. But when people ask me, like, how did you. And like, I wish I had, like, a cooler answer. It was kind of like I reacted and I just.3 seconds. I just do, like, I can’t sit in this discomfort of like, do I stay? Do I would. No, I said A. I meant B. Let’s go. Right. So let’s just. You got to, like, follow through. Because I already knew that my future self would. Would want that for sure.

Amy Stone [00:17:09]:
And I think the danger was imminent. Right. So, like, they. There’s this weird thing about why do people jump out of burning buildings? You know, because there’s no good end to that. And the theory. And there’s no not. I don’t know that there’s anybody available to ask, but the theory is that it’s so bad inside that that is the only option. It’s like. It’s like I. The only thing I can do is move forward here, back against the wall, so on and so forth. All right, so you were married for eight years.

Tori Whitaker [00:17:41]:
We were together for eight years. We’re married for four.

Amy Stone [00:17:44]:
Okay, so together for eight years, married for four. When. So in the abuse cycle began when you got engaged with the commitment, the commitment, did it increase? When did it increase steadily? Or were there things like did it increase when you were pregnant? Did it increase after the baby was born? Do you remember those kind of things?

Tori Whitaker [00:18:04]:
You know, so to give it a little more context, we met and we partied a lot together, and we would party on weekends. We were in, like I said, New York city area. We’re 22, 23 years old with no real responsibility and enough to get by. Right. So we partied a lot. And listen, we partook in recreational drugs. I’m not going to, you know, lie about that. But at that point of like getting engaged, now I’m going into, okay, what’s married life going to be like? We got to grow up sometime. What I didn’t realize is, a, he wasn’t ready to grow up and B, he was masking with drugs. Unbeknownst to me, he had a completely separate life of this addiction and all that stuff, and he was using it to medicate himself instead of going to counseling or therapy or dealing with things that would trigger him. So we had opposite schedules. He worked in the union in the city, and I was a gymnastics coach. We had completely flip flop schedules or passing ships in the night. So he would go to work high and he would come home withdrawing. So then that anxiety started to increase. So the less we partied is, the reason I’m giving this contest is the more it started to leak where he would have these bouts of rage. And I always chalked it up to his anxious. He doesn’t work out, he works night shifts. You know, you’re like allowing for the excuses or you know, saying, oh, we’re married, everybody has their shit.

Amy Stone [00:19:22]:
Right?

Tori Whitaker [00:19:22]:
This is not the shit we need to keep. Right. Safety in a marriage should be a prerequisite, but Hindsight is always 2020 and we’re here. So. Yeah, I would say, yeah. I mean, I remember being pregnant and there were some death threats that I have on. On voice memo, interestingly enough, I have a ton of. Just as it progressively got worse, I would say, as we continue to grow and what would be life. He was not ready to embark on that. He was still stuck over here, numbing.

Amy Stone [00:19:54]:
That’s. And you have a, you have a very kind and compassionate understanding of what he was using those substances for. So that’s very, that’s very gentle and, and grown up of you because you could be much meaner.

Tori Whitaker [00:20:06]:
See you next Tuesday.

Amy Stone [00:20:07]:
Yeah, you could be. Yes, 100%. So, yeah, that is. That sheds a lot of. That sheds a lot of light. How long has it been since. Since this happened? Since you left? So 2015. Oh, 10 years.

Tori Whitaker [00:20:22]:

2015. Yeah, we’re coming up on 10 years. Holy shit.

Amy Stone [00:20:25]:
10 years. That’s an amazing thing. All right, so you shared with me in your description, right, that you can look back now and see that you were in survival mode and that you needed to do work to shift that. That you would describe it now that you are more in a thriving state, which is like a growing, wonderful thing that we hope to be in, in forever. Do you remember, like, sort of. And you may not, not necessarily A great question, but do you remember a little bit about when you began to come to the realization that you were like, oh, that was survival. That’s not really living.

Tori Whitaker [00:20:57]:
Oh, I mean this is a whole work in progress of aha moments. I would, I would actually be honest to say my current partner I have now is the first healthy relationship I’ve been in. He is absolute saint of a human and it is only embarking on this now healthy journey. Am I able to now have that secure base to say, Tori, that that wasn’t, that wasn’t you living. You, you, you were surviving. It’s only through now that I’m in like a safe space that I’m going through the emdr, that I’m really trying to help regulate my emotions for my kids and show them what that’s like and break trauma and cycles and blah blah, blah. That I’ve been able to really look back and be grateful that I can see now that I thought I was living, I was fine. Now I’m like, no, I was surviving. I was working from 5am to 9:30 with a six month old coming with me everywhere, living in a one bedroom house or staying with my girlfriend in her living room, which I did find somebody for six months that would take me in, God bless her, like she saved me, you know, got us out of the, the, the home that we were. Like, we do not belong here. Like it just, it wasn’t, my, my child wouldn’t sleep. You could just feel the energy. Wasn’t, it wasn’t for my growth, it wasn’t going to help me get anywhere, it wasn’t going to help me heal. So anyway, all that to say. Yeah, I think it’s only now more present day in the last two years that.

Amy Stone [00:22:20]:
Okay, no, yeah, no, that is, I think that’s a really helpful context actually. I think that’s a really helpful context that these things do not happen instantly.

Tori Whitaker [00:22:29]:
No, that’s a great question.

Amy Stone [00:22:31]:
So, so, and you mentioned. Thank you. So you mentioned that you studied psychology. Was that before you met your ex husband? Like that was when you were in college. Okay. So I think that that’s also significant that a lot of times I call this the knowledge trap. Right. We can hold ourselves back from moving through things when we think that we know something. And so we’re supposed to. Well, I studied this, so I’m supposed to know, right? I studied, I studied this, I’m supposed to know how it works and I can’t figure it out. But I can never tell anybody because I studied It. And I’m not allowed to ask any questions.

Tori Whitaker [00:23:01]:
Yeah. There.

Amy Stone [00:23:03]:
So I think that that’s another thing I do want to backtrack and highlight. For anybody who doesn’t know, EMDR is a therapeutic techni. Is done by trained practitioners to help people move through and d. What is the word? Like De Stresses. It’s like, reduces the impact of traumatic moments coming up in present day life. When you read about. Looks like it’s magic.

Tori Whitaker [00:23:28]:
Yeah.

Amy Stone [00:23:29]:
But it’s. Right. Exactly.

Tori Whitaker [00:23:31]:
It’s like witchcraft. Now, Tori. I’m always like, oh, I’ll try it.

Amy Stone [00:23:36]:
And then you go into the office and they’re like, we’ve got these buzzers and these lights. And you’re like, are this.

Tori Whitaker [00:23:41]:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s. Oh. But then your body tells you it’s real for a long time after. Residually, you’re like, what is happening? You’re like, oh, Processing.

Amy Stone [00:23:52]:
Processing. Processing. Which a lot of times processing means sweating and crying and shaking.

Tori Whitaker [00:23:58]:
Yeah.

Amy Stone [00:23:58]:
Yes.

Tori Whitaker [00:23:59]:
A lot of discharge, as she says. A lot of discharge.

Amy Stone [00:24:02]:
There’s only one way out. We store this stuff in our muscles. It’s got to get out. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. So today you describe yourself as thriving. And I’d love for you to describe some of the ways that that’s showing up and what it feels like to sort of draw the arc of like, this was fear and this was where I needed the escape. And now I’m thriving. And these are some of the ways that it feels better.

Tori Whitaker [00:24:28]:
Gosh. I mean, this is an ongoing evolutionary thing. I wouldn’t say I’m there. You know, there’s always room for improvement. I’m always looking for that. I hate to be complacent, but I would say I’m thriving. I have grown a business to help impact and empower women. Taking my. Let’s call it trauma or my experience given these shortcuts because I had no resources, no family, no nothing. And I’m passing on. Let’s call it the spark notes of the Sierra. No, De Berger. Act like we don’t need to read the whole thing.

Amy Stone [00:24:57]:
Yeah.

Tori Whitaker [00:24:57]:
We can just get to the highlights and get you where you want to be. I can turn my trauma into my superpower. I can empathize, I can relate. But I can also showcase instead of just telling, telling, telling, like I’m living it. I have my business. I have a house. I have two really happy, healthy, loved kids that I’m happy to break generational patterns and curses for let’s call. And that also teaches me a lot to continually make myself better. Right. Because when you see it through the lens of your kids as a reflection of you, you’re like, oh, how am I doing? Right. It’s very honest.

Amy Stone [00:25:29]:
So hard. So hard.

Tori Whitaker [00:25:32]:
It is. But like, the fact that I can, you know, work, do what I love, do what I’m passionate for, I know that I’m meant to empower and help these people and. And my story isn’t for nothing. It’s not who I am, but it’s what I went through. And it draws from that to help my. My people create what they want for themselves. Right. Like, I will never grow up. I have tattoos. I’m learning to snowboard at 39. I have dreads. You don’t have to fit in. But, like, I feel more like me than I ever have after having kids. When the norm is most like, oh, remember our pre baby lives and pre baby bodies? It’s like you die when you have kids.

Amy Stone [00:26:07]:
Yeah.

Tori Whitaker [00:26:07]:
I’m here to tell you, the kids bring the magic. Is it hard? Is it ghetto? Sometimes, yes. Is it worth it? A hundred percent. One hundred percent. And I don’t think that mom should have to choose between being a mom and being themselves. I don’t know why you can’t do both. And I think that kids up for success too.

Amy Stone [00:26:25]:
I think it gives them permission to be themselves in a lot of ways. And. And I think that that’s. I think that’s what we want, right? I think that’s what we want.

Tori Whitaker [00:26:33]:
That’s a newness, right?

Amy Stone [00:26:35]:
Yeah, I will say it is. I mean, it is a crazy adjustment to. It was a crazy adjustment for me to go from not being a mom to being a mom. And I didn’t. I didn’t do things in the right order in the. We’ll put that in quotations, because I don’t believe in the right order. But yeah. And I think that that’s one of the reasons I love to tell all these stories, is to do whatever I can to stomp on that sense of there’s only one way to go through this process. And I loved. I’m. Say it again. I loved what you said. Like, this is. This is what happened to me, but it’s not who I am because I think there’s a choice in there. And I think that there’s a lot of different times that that is true. Like, you know, this is my story. These are things that I experience. Some people do really take those on as identities forever. And there’s nothing wrong with that. But there is also the thing that you don’t have to, and you can do it in another way if you want to. Hopefully. Maybe that’s not always a choice, actually. Like, there are things sometimes that happen to us that we cannot hide the story. So, like. So we hope it’s a story. Yeah. Yeah. So. All right, so in a minute, we’re gonna go into the final fun questions, but sure. I want to give you a chance to talk a little bit more about your business, tell people about what you do and where they can find you online, and then I’ll share a fun offer that you’ve got for the audience.

Tori Whitaker [00:27:55]:
Awesome. So, yeah, my Website Be Better Afterbaby.com Still a work in progress, but you can absolutely find a lot of resources there. Testimonials, clients, what they’ve gone through. But also, I’m very active on Instagram and it is public. I’m happy to share the wealth of knowledge of health, mindset, nutrition, all the things being a mom being. I love this. It’s as imperfect as adulting, because I feel like motherhood is imperfect. And I want to highlight that more for us. But Tori K. Wit is my handle. And yeah, I really am combining mindset, nutrition, and fitness all as a holistic package. Right. Because you could do one without the other, without the three pieces. Some it’s just not going to give you the results you want. So my. My job is to create that value, simplify through all those oversells and stimulation of the fitness industry that even trainers like me can’t stand, and just make it realistic. How does this apply to mom life? How can we facilitate you feeling like the best version of you postpartum, and rid ourselves of this, like, martyr mom mindset that society places on us? That, by the way, no woman actually wants to do, but for some reason, we feel pressured to. Right. So that’s sort of my mission, is to lead that. No more martyr mom moms. More.

Amy Stone [00:29:10]:
We feel the pressure to do it. We feel. And also you get, like, positive reinforcement from all kinds of places in the moments that you do do that. Like, anytime as a young mom, you make a choice publicly in support of your family. It’s crazy. People come out of the woodwork, they’re like, oh, that’s so great that you did this for your family and your kids. I was like. I was like, hey, this was not a choice I made. Like, there’s nobody else around to do this.

Tori Whitaker [00:29:36]:
Yeah. Yeah. Thanks for me doing my job. Right, Right.

Amy Stone [00:29:40]:
Exactly. Thank you so much for seeing me changing the diapers. So my kid doesn’t get diaper rash. I appreciate positive reinforcement of me doing that. Yeah. All right, so you have a very wonderful offer for the listeners. You have a. You have a consultation and normally you charge a fee, but when people click on the link in the email they’ll get or in the show notes, you’re going to waive that fee, and that’s very generous and I want to thank you for that. And I’ll put all the links in the show notes so people can click on it. That’s kind of hard to do. The best way to do it is to subscribe to the email community at Imperfect Adulting. And then it comes into your email box and you click on it and you get the bonuses. Yay. All right, now the fun part. We’re going to close out with three rapid fire questions just for fun.

Tori Whitaker [00:30:23]:
Okay, let’s do it.

Amy Stone [00:30:24]:
All right, let’s see. You pre studied in advance and you listened to other episodes, which.

Tori Whitaker [00:30:28]:
Well, I heard another episode. I can’t lie.

Amy Stone [00:30:31]:
So you know what’s coming. All right, what is your favorite kind, type, or genre of music to listen to these days?

Tori Whitaker [00:30:38]:
It’s like, oh, 90s alternative all day long.

Amy Stone [00:30:40]:
Oh, yeah. So like Alt Nation, Incubus, who’s your favorite? Like dj, not dj. What am I talking on Alt Nation. Who do you like to listen to?

Tori Whitaker [00:30:51]:
Incubus. I’ve seen him like six times. I met Brandon Boyd this year. It was like my total 13 year old fangirl dream come true. And I’ll probably still go to his concerts. It’s a sickness. It’s fine.

Amy Stone [00:31:00]:
That is very. Did you hear that Tony Hawk’s kid and Kurt Cobain’s kid got married?

Tori Whitaker [00:31:08]:
No, I did not.

Amy Stone [00:31:09]:
That is when my little 90s fangirl was like, what you need like flannel.

Tori Whitaker [00:31:13]:
Just to listen to that information. Hold on.

Amy Stone [00:31:15]:
Right. Exactly. Exactly. I was like, is this for real?

Tori Whitaker [00:31:19]:
That’s amazing.

Amy Stone [00:31:21]:
Love it. All right, so what’s a thing that sometimes people do that bugs you, but maybe you’ll never tell them that it bothers?

Tori Whitaker [00:31:28]:
Oh, I’m kind of a grammar Nazi.

Amy Stone [00:31:32]:
Oh, are you?

Tori Whitaker [00:31:33]:
Yeah. So, like, frustrated, drives me crazy. Ending sentences with like a preposition. It was beaten into me. It’s not my fault, I swear. But yeah. Oh, gosh.

Amy Stone [00:31:44]:
When people. The preposition bugs me a lot. So when people say, where you at? I just. In my. In my head, I edit it and I. But I have stopped saying it out loud. I have stopped saying it out loud. And I live in Miami where People speak. Speak many, many languages. And making grammar errors and spelling errors has nothing to do with anything other than the fact that, you know, maybe you don’t have the words. So it has been.

Tori Whitaker [00:32:08]:
Yes, yes, I asked a question. I was very frustrated. Things like that or irregardless, like one of those words where we’re trying to sound a little more. But we just. We swung and we missed. Like, just. Just sit on the bench. Like, it’s cool. You don’t have to just stay in your lane, you know, we don’t have to.

Amy Stone [00:32:24]:
Irregardless is absolutely a word in Miami. They. We. We just have. We just have moved on. We also say, supposedly it’s just a word. We’re just. We’re just gonna. We’re just gonna. We’ve worked it into vernacular, and we’re.

Tori Whitaker [00:32:36]:
Moving on specifically, like, the ocean, pacifically, that one.

Amy Stone [00:32:40]:
So the S’s in Miami because of the Spanish are a little bit. A little bit different, but, you know, so. But so that one I don’t hear as much, but yes. So many of these we put. There’s that whole thing going around right now, which is like, we. We listen and we don’t judge my face. Nobody does that. My face is like closed captions on the judgment, you know? But with. With the grammar, we’re like. We’re like. We hear it and we’re like, what is it? Oh, I think I got it. I think I got it. I’m just moving on. So. All right, Very good. Okay. So as a trainer. Yes. And a former gymnast.

Tori Whitaker [00:33:16]:
Yes.

Amy Stone [00:33:17]:
What is your favorite food or treat for an indulgence? Something that is hard to say no to, that feels really good when you indulge.

Tori Whitaker [00:33:24]:
Oh, I love Annie’s organic macaroni and cheese.

Amy Stone [00:33:27]:
Oh, really?

Tori Whitaker [00:33:29]:
But here’s a. Here’s a pro tip for everybody listening or whatever you need. You can try this too. If you omit the butter and the milk and you put in non fat plain Greek yogurt, or you mix the cheese in a blender with cottage cheese, because I know that skeeves people out with the texture. It adds protein to your Mac and cheese and makes it a little healthier and emits a little bit of the fat. So I don’t feel as guilty when.

Amy Stone [00:33:49]:
I go instant Mac and cheese. I just embrace the fakeness of it and go all in. One of the oldest kids in our family went through a phase where not only would they only eat Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, but it had to be easy Mac, which is the worst of the worst. I don’t even think. I don’t even think your body digests it right. It’s the microwave kind. But there is a piece of my past where I would carry pouches of Easy Mac into restaurants, and if they did not have Kraft on the menu, I would beg and plead for them to microwave.

Tori Whitaker [00:34:24]:
Give me a hot water packet. I actually applaud you. That’s a preparation B. I have that same sense memory, and I can almost taste it as you’re talking about it.

Amy Stone [00:34:32]:
So it’s not the worst. We have finally outgrown it. I’m very used to being an empty nester, and my kids eat real Mac and cheese. My grandkids, though, rejected the real Mac and cheese last year. They were like. They were like, this is not Kraft.

Tori Whitaker [00:34:46]:
Oh, that too. I almost disowned him. He’ll learn. It’s fine.

Amy Stone [00:34:50]:
They will eventually. All right, very good. That’s it. Tori Whitaker, thank you for being an amazing guest today on the show.

Tori Whitaker [00:34:56]:
Thank you so much. I appreciate it.