The Unexpected Journey of Adulting: Navigating Caregiving and Career Challenges

Amy Stone [00:00:03]:
B. Roush. Welcome to Imperfect Adulting.

Beatrix Rausch [00:00:06]:
Hello. So glad to be here. Thank you for having me.

Amy Stone [00:00:09]:
I’m so happy that you’re here. Are you welcome? Are you ready for a fun chat?

Beatrix Rausch [00:00:14]:
Yes, I’m so ready.

Amy Stone [00:00:16]:
All right. That is very good. I begin every single interview pretty much by asking people where in the world they are, what part of the world they’re in. So where are you talking to me today?

Beatrix Rausch [00:00:26]:
So we are. I’m from Indiana right now.

Amy Stone [00:00:30]:
Fabulous. What part of Indiana.

Beatrix Rausch [00:00:32]:
So near Purdue University.

Amy Stone [00:00:34]:
Very good. Very, very nice. So I went to the University of Kansas. I’m a Jayhawk, and I have a kid who’s a Wolverine, and I also have a step kid who’s a Gator.

Beatrix Rausch [00:00:46]:
Oh.

Amy Stone [00:00:46]:
So we. We have a house divided during.

Beatrix Rausch [00:00:48]:
Yes, I was going to say.

Amy Stone [00:00:50]:
Yeah, not usually during football season. I don’t. I don’t have strong football allegiances. Basketball season, it’s in. It’s a fun and, you know, so very good. So. But Purdue always reminds me of basketball season because there are many times that my balloon.

Beatrix Rausch [00:01:03]:
Oh, yes. They’re just. They’re raving again. You know, it’s always something exciting in the pre game and the post game and all the things that are happening. There’s lots of discussions about that right now, for sure.

Amy Stone [00:01:13]:
Yeah, absolutely. I love it. All right. So usually my second warmup question, my softball question, is about family, but we’re going to talk about family as the topic of what we’re going to talk about today. So. So I picked a different warmup question for you. And so this is just to get to know each other a little better, create a little bit of rapport between you and the audience. When you think back to younger you, like middle school age B or junior high, they sometimes call it. Do you remember what were your favorite classes and if you had any dreams about what you wanted to be when you grew up?

Beatrix Rausch [00:01:49]:
Gosh, yeah. So I loved. I was like studying biology then and I really wanted to go into pre med and I did start in that pre med and I did a double major with pre med in psychology. And then things changed because of a variety of life circumstances, but I really love science. And still to this day. And I’m in. I’m in psychology, obviously, and I do a ton of research and I’m always interested in that field. Still learning about biology and the interaction with that and cognition and how it affects longevity. That’s like my big thing now because when I’m thinking about my parents and what happened to them, which we’ll get into. I always think if they had done a few things differently, would the outcome have been different? Obviously we didn’t have that knowledge that we have now.

Amy Stone [00:02:31]:
So, yeah, really interesting. And that is like an area of. And I am not an academic. Right. I am not an academic. I graduated from college and was ready to be finished. But I think that’s a really interesting thing to be studying right now because, like, sort of science and psychology are sort of coming together. So, like, neuroscience and psychology are really merging with all the tests and things like that that they can do. And that’s very cool. Very, very cool. Okay, so the nuts and bolts of the choice and decisions and things that we’re going to talk about today is that at some point in your recent past, you actually took what you call a downgrade. It was in. I put it in quotations because I borrowed that from your, from your application. A downgrade in your corporate job to get a stronger work life balance, which has been a life changer for you. Does that sound like a good conversation today?

Beatrix Rausch [00:03:30]:
Yeah. So I definitely switched to part time and, you know, to do other projects like do the podcast that we have, the Social Leopards podcast. And just also because I was anticipating that I was going to have to caregive for my parents. So.

Amy Stone [00:03:42]:
Yes, very good. So let’s back up. I’m going to do my best to walk you through this story so that it’s interesting and captivating for the people listening. It’s my understanding that you haven’t done a lot of public talking quite yet about this, so we’ll see how it goes. I’m not like an expose heavy hitter interviewer, so this will be fun. How long ago did you, like, really pull the trigger on this change? And you mentioned the motivation was caregiving, so. But when did you actually make the change here?

Beatrix Rausch [00:04:14]:
So I started working hard about two years ago. Yes, two years ago. Two years ago and the year before that. My, you know, co host, Beth and I have been talking a lot about our, you know, lives and how we had, you know, they kind of interface a little bit. She works with adults and healthcare and I was doing like, you know, children and adults in a slightly different capacity. But the idea of, like, loneliness and people being alone and struggling was something we were just really noticing. And of course, pandemic. We had a lot of problems with people just trying to, you know, commit suicide and having a lot of mental health concerns and nowhere to really reach out to. Right. Because we have such a shortage everywhere and especially here. So yes. So.

Amy Stone [00:04:55]:
Yeah, yeah, no, so. And that’s, that’s a hot topic right now for everybody. Well, I don’t know if it’s. It’s a hot topic for me. I think that it really. I think we interrupted a lot of social channels, we interrupted a lot of clubs. Many of the organizations that I was involved, Involved in pre lockdown have never fully recovered. And so that cut off channels for my social connections. And I. Many online entrepreneurs are introverts. I am not. I am an extrovert. If I talk to people on Zoom all day long, by the time it gets to like 5:30, if I go out for a walk or something, I will be talking to the plants, I’ll be talking to the dogs. I, I mean, I crave face to face interaction. And so I think that that’s. I, that’s super important for. At least for me. And so I think that’s really, really valuable. I think we learned as a society how wonderful this type of connection is. And so many things really got better. Like, so I have a college age kid, all of her courses are recorded. So if she bails to take a trip and, or she gets the flu, she can watch the class, which is so much better than in the old days where you had to like, hit up your friends and. Hey, did you pay attention?

Beatrix Rausch [00:06:19]:
Exactly. Yes. Which one of us got the right notes? Yes. Yes.

Amy Stone [00:06:22]:
Right. So that’s a major improvement. Right? That’s a major improvement. But on the other side, I think we tested it and we were like, oh, you know what? These human people, they need other people in their lives. That’s me. That’s my, that’s my grand.

Beatrix Rausch [00:06:35]:
I do too.

Amy Stone [00:06:36]:
Yeah.

Beatrix Rausch [00:06:36]:
And I could see that you’re like, very energetic and very, you know, you know, open and interested, you know, and I feel like myself and I do, I need that. I have a very hard time with, you know, being online, all the. We have Zoom meetings once in a while, I know, for work. But like, like you, if I can be there in person, that’s just better. Yeah.

Amy Stone [00:06:55]:
Yeah. I mean, I love being online and I love the connection, but it is true. I, and, and I, like, I am, I am one of those people that every single report card that I got from school, ever from when I was a little kid was like, she talks too much. And then, and then all my kids got it. And, and every single time I would read it, I was like, I, this is not a surprise. Like, like, okay, moving on. All right, so I want to back up and let you set the Scene for as much or as little as you want to tell us about your family. So you’ve got parents that tell us a little more. You live in Indiana, who you live with, kids, siblings, pets, all kind of things.

Beatrix Rausch [00:07:33]:
Yeah, so I’m married and my daughter is 22, and she’s, you know, out of the house. She’s in medical school right now, so very proud of her. My parents. I’m a Ukrainian immigrant. My parents are from Ukraine, and they came here in the 60s and eventually moved into Indiana and ended up by chance, we. I bought a house next door to them maybe about almost 20 years ago, which. Yes, so, yeah, so that’s the situation. And they, you know, being immigrants, they struggled, I think, with assimilation all the time. They were in the New York City area. They had an ethnic community for many years, and I was hoping and praying, maybe assuming that they were going to stay there and end up with their friends and there’s like a Ukrainian nursing home, and they would have been surrounded. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen when they moved here. It was probably 97 that they moved here to this area. They never really reconnected with their community. There really wasn’t a community. Both extremely busy people, very, very traditional. My mother worked, cook, cleaned and did everything my father did, too, and he expected her to take care of him, and he just basically didn’t have to do anything. And at the same time, the other thing, with ethnic families, I don’t know with all but Ukrainians, the eldest daughter or son, which I’m the eldest of two, is going to be taking care of the parents until they die. And there is very little expectation that they would go into a nursing home or do anything like that, because that’s just not what we do. And, you know, that’s becoming a very difficult problem with the situation that I’m facing. There’s a lot of other things that have come up during this time that I really didn’t. Not that I didn’t know about, but didn’t expect for them to be as bad as they were. You know, personality disorder that my father has, it’s kind of come out. And his lack of addressing problems that he should have with my mother didn’t tell us, wanted to hide things and just, I think, created situations that could have. Didn’t have to be created, wouldn’t have been quite as bad as they were, for lack of a better term.

Amy Stone [00:09:41]:
All right, so let’s. Let’s unpack some of these things. So did your parents immigrate as adults?

Beatrix Rausch [00:09:47]:
Yeah, so they were in their late 20s and came to New York City. Yep.

Amy Stone [00:09:52]:
All right. And so you’re considered first gen.

Beatrix Rausch [00:09:54]:
Yes, I’m first generation. Yeah.

Amy Stone [00:09:55]:
So I live in Miami. We have a huge immigrant community. So, like, these are. These are the conversations we have just as a part of being in the community. In fact, in my Miami, where most of the country, the first thing people will ask you is, what do you do in a conversation In Miami, it’s very common for people to ask you, where are you from? And this is a hilarious immigration story. When one of my kids was in first grade or kindergarten, it might have been kindergarten. They had an international day, and the instructions from the school were to bring in a dish from where you were from. And my family as generation immigrated a very long time ago. So you end up with this patchwork quilt of how far back do you want to go? Right. Yeah. But the instructions were very Miami instructions. And I was like, what do I there? What do you want me to bring? And. And it was just so funny. It was just so funny that I was the oddball out of these, like, 22 families. I was like, I’m gonna send. I think I said, like, I said, like, a cherry pie or something like that. I was like. And everybody else was sending, you know, Brazilian treats and Cuban treats and all of these things. So the. The react. The differences between. The challenges that immigrants face are, like, not usually Ukrainian, although we do have an enormous Russian and Ukrainian community down here. And so it’s been a hard. It’s been a stressful five years for your family. Also, as somebody who has ties to Ukraine, so very, very good. So caregiving is an incredibly complex stressor on families. And I think that the. The cultural implications. Right. I mean, it can be family, and it can also be, you know, country of origin and tradition that, you know, who’s going to step up and take this job and who’s responsible and who’s not, and who gets to live their life. That can be really hard in. In families. Your daughter is an adult and looks like she launched. Some people get squished. We call that the sandwich. Right. My dad passed away. He passed away before he turned 70. And I was, like, feeling really sad about that. I mean, I am still sad about it, but now watching my friends who have aging parents who are going through the caregiving thing, I’m like, oh, my gosh. It was really, really hard. But also, maybe it was a gift. Not a gift anybody wants. Not trying to sell.

Beatrix Rausch [00:12:24]:
No, I’m so sorry about that. Yes. But at least if he’s at peace. And it was a quick thing versus like a long drawn out situation where you’re watching someone turn into, for lack of a better term, a vegetable.

Amy Stone [00:12:36]:
Yeah. So the so and then are we talking your parents are going through memory loss? Is this memory care type stuff?

Beatrix Rausch [00:12:42]:
So. Well, it’s complicated. My mother got dementia, I want to say, about three years ago. My father’s extreme passive aggressive behavior prevented us from getting a proper diagnosis. And this is my struggle.

Amy Stone [00:12:55]:
It’s so charming. I’m sorry to laugh, but it’s like, it’s just so many of us have these relationships with our parents where we’re like, listen, you need to do this. And they’re like, no.

Beatrix Rausch [00:13:03]:
Yes. Right. So she kind of also was serving herself and it was kind of like a very kind of, I would say an atypical presentation. So we went through a bunch of neurologists. They’re just like, ah, you know, she could fake good for a while. So then what happened was, you know, she just wasn’t active much, very much active. She was just pretty, not doing much at home. He, they should have been in assisted living. He’s like, oh, I’ll take her here, I’ll take her there. He didn’t take her anywhere. So she would basically sit at home and drink wine, basically. So several years went by, the last two, three months, literally she was just sitting and drinking wine. I was coming in there saying, dad, you really need to do something. This is not working. Oh, she’s fine, she’s fine. Finally, she had a stroke on just past Christmas, on the 25th, just a couple weeks ago. And at that point it was the left side. And with that and the dementia, she had to go into rehabilitation services. So that’s what she’s doing right now. You know, she’s not going to get better. So what is going to happen now as it progresses is that she is going to have three more weeks probably of this facility care through Medicare, and then the decision is going to have to be made, what do we do next? My father absolutely does not want to put her into any kind of living home situation. He hangs the carrot over my brother and I of like, well, we’re going to give you our inheritance. And I said at this point I really would rather have peace of mind. But you know, we’re stuck trying to help him. And he still has power over attorney, over himself. I have it over my mother, I have it for him. But since he’s still technically with it.

Amy Stone [00:14:33]:
Right, right.

Beatrix Rausch [00:14:35]:
I could force him to do something, but, you know, there’s that nuance there.

Amy Stone [00:14:40]:
Yes.

Beatrix Rausch [00:14:41]:
Yeah. So. And that’s where we are. So it’s like the struggle of, you know, getting him to be realistic, figuring out, can I realistically have her in the home with some care? What’s that going to cost, money wise? What’s that going to cost me mentally? You know, how’s that all going to work? So that’s where we are right now. We have a couple weeks to figure it out.

Amy Stone [00:15:00]:
It is such a complicated decision, and it’s not one that anybody wants to make. I read an article, actually that’s a lie. I read a synopsis of an article that I think is this week, maybe last week, that they really are calling this, like an economic crisis in the next couple decades. Because the cost of memory care and the cost of senior care is. And the number of people who are expected to need it is growing so fast. People are really not prepared. And one of the challenges that people face is the scenario where you’re talking about now where one person is really at a different threshold of care than the other person in the relationship. And so that’s a really, really tough spot for people to be in. And I guess there is that show that is very popular right now, the man on the Inside with Ted Danson is out. And that is about. It’s a cute little story. I actually, I didn’t watch all of it because the topic is assisted living, home and memory care. And I was just like. I was like, you know what? This is a very cute thing, and he’s a great actor. But it wasn’t as enjoyable for me as it might be for people who are not at the phase of life where we are.

Beatrix Rausch [00:16:19]:
Right, right, right.

Amy Stone [00:16:20]:
Yes, right. But, yeah, it’s a really, really tough thing. And it’s one of these crazy things about adulting that before you’re in, it seems like it should be so straightforward. It’s like, right, hey, here’s the situation. This is what you need. The dominoes should line up and we should be able to make this decision. But I have not talked to anyone who has gone through this where it has worked like that. I have. You know, I, you know, it’s. It’s a very, very challenging situation. So this timeline started when your mom was. You were questioning your mom’s change in abilities.

Beatrix Rausch [00:17:12]:
Right, right.

Amy Stone [00:17:13]:
Three years ago or five years ago?

Beatrix Rausch [00:17:15]:
Well, I would say probably four years ago. I mean, she was fairly functional in the sense that she was, like, still, you know, able to tell, you the difference, like, she could. She could tell you if she wanted something or didn’t want something. Like she was able to tell you a preference. Right. She could do that. She was still able to do her personal hygiene, you know, a little bit of light cleaning. But her memory was like, you know, the short term memory was going. So I would come back, I would be there on a Wednesday, come back on a Thursday. She didn’t know that I was there the night before. And that was stable for a while. And then finally I’d say, I really do believe the stroke that she got recently was brought on by the excessive drinking. And this is where I shouldn’t say this. Probably people are not gonna like it. I do fault my father for this because this is an individual who is able to take himself to the urgent care at the drop of a hat. He’s able to go to his own appointments. He is still driving. He’s 90. He’s still completely with it. And it is just a. It is a long history in the relationship of neglect towards her that started when they got married. And being the immigrants that they are, being committed to each other, her feeling responsible for bringing her to the United States. She always said this kept her in a semi, I would say borderline abusive relationship. It wasn’t physical, but it was mental. And I saw this. But, you know, what do you. And I would tell her, mom, you know, you could. You could be okay. No, I owe him my whole life. I owe him the fact that he brought us here, that he got a better life, that he brought my parents here. And, you know, I saw this, you know, and I have to struggle now and not be angry because, okay, he’s 90. But I also think that you as a responsible human being, have some responsibility towards your spouse to give them the best that you can. And if you can’t, he has resources, he has enough money. He had myself, my brother, around to calls and say, hey, I need help. He would never do it. And you know, and this is the part where that. With the caregiving piece that I struggle with and the fact that he can’t even. Does not even want to make it easier on myself and my brother by saying, hey, you know, I will consider doing X, Y and Z now. I can afford it. Because it’s going to make your life better. No.

Amy Stone [00:19:22]:
Right.

Beatrix Rausch [00:19:23]:
And you know, and I get the whole thing with the inheritance, like, at this point, it’s like, it’s not that much. And I could really take it early and I would rather have peace of mind. It Sounds really bad. And I’m doing the best. I will probably concede. And we’re going to have to bring her home in probably three weeks, and I’m going to have to set up this caregiving thing, and then I’m gonna have to assess whether this is something that’s going to really be feasible for the future. I don’t know. You know?

Amy Stone [00:19:44]:
Right. So. And the. The financial aspect in the family relationship, it seems like a trivial thing. Right. But you’re talking about a cultural thing. It is sometimes very important for parents that they have this dream. There’s dreams that people have. They have the dreams of seeing their kids get married, sending their kids to college. And some people really have a dream of. It’s a measure of their worth. It’s like they’re scoring themselves. Do. Am I. Can I. Am I going to be able to pass on this house, this thing? And so. And then you guys are in this discussion as a family, two adults, and you have a difference of opinion. And one of the crazy things about families, right, is that there’s no guarantee you’re ever going to agree. And it’s not actually possible to get another adult who’s got, you know, who can make their own decisions to do stuff just because you want them to.

Beatrix Rausch [00:20:46]:
Right, exactly.

Amy Stone [00:20:47]:
Which is like, that you are in the rock and the hard place. This is Sophie’s Choice. It’s like I. You know. Right. It’s like, I really think you’re making the wrong decision. Then the second wave of that, not to put words in your mouth, is that the decisions that he’s making that is causing more work and stress for you right now?

Beatrix Rausch [00:21:05]:
Absolutely. Yeah. And there’s. There’s. At some point, there is this disregard on his. On his part for this, because that’s how he was raised, and I know that.

Amy Stone [00:21:17]:
And he thinks he can make the decision for you, probably.

Beatrix Rausch [00:21:20]:
Oh, yeah. I mean, there’s a whole nother. We could talk about ours, about that whole thing, but, you know, we’re trying to just, like, stick, but, you know, I mean. Yeah. So. And I look at my parents, you know, the friends of my parents, who are, let’s say, more like seven, six generations here, Midwestern, who are from the English and Dutch descent, and they’re benevolent enough to be like, okay, we’re going to sell the house. We’re going to do whatever we need so that you can be. We don’t have to burden you, and you can live, you know, your peaceful life. Because let’s. Let’s also think about the other part of this, you know, I’m almost 60 here, and I shouldn’t say my age, but whatever you get to say your age.

Amy Stone [00:21:56]:
I’m totally a person who’s like. You get to say like, like I ask people sometimes. I’ll ask people. I’m like, listen, I know you’re never supposed to ask me, how old are you?

Beatrix Rausch [00:22:03]:
So I also am not getting any younger. And it is taking an enormous toll on my mental health right now and my physical health possibly if I don’t control my reactions right to this. Because, you know, stress will kill you. I mean, you talk about. And you know this, people know, this is all over the Internet. You know that stress is actually more toxic than anything else. Drinking, smoking, you name it. It’s the number one killer. So, you know, this is not a joke. And you know, I. I think sometimes that parents, older parents, are so desperate to be alive that they will suck the life out of their living kids because they’re desperate and they just want something else, you know, and to some extent, I kind of feel like that. And I think we have to be. It’s a cautionary tale for myself, for the future to not do this to my child and to take care of myself and figure something out beforehand. So I’m not in the situation. Obviously, it’s not perfect. She might decide, oh, mom, you know, I want you to be with me, whatever. But at least there would be options that we don’t have here. Not only that, we don’t even know what they want when they die. He never told me. Do you want to be cremated? Do you want to be married? Do you want me to kill you with a gun? I don’t know.

Amy Stone [00:23:19]:
I’m just kidding. But there’s a joke in my family. It’s like, put me out in the trash. Put me out with the trash. Right? The. You know, that is. That is hard stuff. That is really hard stuff. So my, My par are both. I don’t have that situation, but my in laws are 86 and 90.

Beatrix Rausch [00:23:35]:
Okay?

Amy Stone [00:23:35]:
And so we’ve been having these conversations and it’s so funny because I’m the youngest adult of all the adults in the group, but I was the one because my father passed away so early. I was the one pushing it, pushing it and saying, hey, let’s have these conversations. Let’s do these things. I know they’re unpleasant, but let’s get saying to my husband, but I’m outside of the conversation, right? Like I’m not actually involved. And. And they wanted to do it. And it was, it was working on. But they, they went through a period about a year ago where they looked at moving from where they are into one of those progressive setups where you are in an apartment and there’s things. And the, the buy in was so expensive that it was really a shocker. And then kind of like this is how I learned some of how I learned about, you know, the inheritance rules when you go into forever care really are that you sign everything over to the facility and they have to be right. Because if there’s no one around, you have to be able to make the decisions. But that’s a major concession. That’s a major agreement to do. And my father in law was like, no, not happening. So we do not have to face this right now. But it is a scary, it’s not fun party time conversation to have these things. All right. So thinking back to when you realize. Because it’s hard in the beginning when there’s dementia and forgetfulness, because it could just be. And I’m not an expert on this, right. So but it can just be confusion, it can be hearing loss, it can be miscommunication, all of those things in the beginning, when you began to realize that something was going on. Describe how you felt at the time, because it’s been a couple years, what you thought the decisions were and when you kind of realized you were like, I don’t have the time to work full time and do this. What I need to do is make this concession.

Beatrix Rausch [00:25:35]:
So yeah. So the first thing that happened was it was very, very difficult for me to, you know, when people, if you’ve seen people who have a cognitive delay or have had an accident in neural, their, Their facial features change, there’s a significant change of how they present. So the first thing that I saw was my mother’s face changed. She was not the same person really.

Amy Stone [00:25:57]:
Actually, I didn’t know that.

Beatrix Rausch [00:25:58]:
Yes. So what happens is. So with. Okay, so. So back in the day when I was younger, you know, started doing my assessment in psychology and I would do, obviously do assessments for all kinds of disabilities, traumatic brain injury, all this stuff. There, there was, there were several cases years ago where students had had sadly car accidents, went from normal functioning and have this particular head injury which would create a complete change in their facial presentation.

Amy Stone [00:26:28]:
Wow.

Beatrix Rausch [00:26:29]:
You could see that this was not an intelligent person anymore. They didn’t have any trauma to face. It was just how the face looked. So this is exactly. If you look at my mother’s pictures from before this happened. To when she had the dementia. You can see a stark difference. And that was the first sign that, oh, my gosh, I cannot believe this happened to this woman. It just was completely. I was. No, it hasn’t happened to anyone in our family. It didn’t happen to my grandmother, my grandfather. It was shocked, you know, and I was crying, probably grieving for probably three months, I would say every day, and just thinking I lost her. And then I had to acquiesce and, you know, remember that she still is my mother and she still had, you know, memory. She still remembered me. I could still talk to her. She wouldn’t remember what we talked about. It was kind of funny conversations. But we could. We could do it. I could still take her places. Also noticed that we would go place she used to like to go shopping and didn’t like it anymore. Five minutes would go by, she wanted to go home. We’d go out to eat. Half an hour. When are we going home? When are we going home? She did have Chihuahua for a while, which kind of kept her kind of stable. The Chihuahua died last year. And that was like a complete, drastic, even dip into more memory issues, less functioning. She was even doing a little bit of cooking. Then she stopped doing that. So it was like progressive stages and triggering events along the way. We couldn’t get her another dog. She wanted me to do, but she was not aware of, like, how to feed the dog, how to take care of the dog. Couldn’t take the dog out, you know, to the bathroom. The dog started having accidents because she wasn’t taking Chloe out, you know, so. Yeah, but. And then as far as diagnosis went.

Amy Stone [00:28:02]:
They sounds like that was really challenging. I just wanted.

Beatrix Rausch [00:28:04]:
Oh, yeah. I mean, you know, I mean, it was. I mean, my husband is amazing, and he is really. He is just a rock and he’s just so great. And, you know, I have great friends and great community. Like, you know, Beth is amazing. She’s gone through it already, so she. I was able to reach out to people, but, you know, you feel bad about yourself, the situation, like, how did this happen? And you feel like you’re stuck, like there’s no way out. And I will say I had to tell myself, they’re not going to live forever. This is a temporary situation, but it’s. And let’s figure out how we can make it better. How can we normalize, right? So, you know, I had to visit them every other day, was in there and try to make sure things are taken care of. Just keeping it as normal as I Can for myself and for them. But. Yeah. So it’s just gotten worse and worse. The worst part now, which I think is the most challenging for people who are thinking about, what are we going to do with the caregiving situation? Are we going to put them in a nursing home? Assisted living, because there’s different tiers of service. Right. She is in rehab in skilled nursing. If you are going to pay for that outright, that’s 10 grand a month. Yes. If she were able to lift herself up enough to get to a wheelchair or to a bathroom, for example, she could be in assisted living for three to $4,000. So this is the kicker. I doubt she’s going to ever be able to get up on her own. And that’s when we’re aging. I’d say that is the thing that the insurance companies will look at and friends will tell me this is the defining moment of difference. Can you actually get up even if you’re going to lose your balance from it? And you can hold on, but can you do it if you cannot, game over. And that’s where we are right now. So the situation will be that she will have to be in an adult diaper for several hours a day, will have some care, but that’s going to be an unfortunate situation. Or we start looking at them taking their assets away. So it’s.

Amy Stone [00:29:53]:
Yeah, right. That’s really unpleasant. That is really unpleasant. And so two years ago, you guys were going through this, and what was the. What did you see? What were the options? Because at that point, you were working full time and your mom had not had the stroke yet. So what did you. What did you feel like? You described this very well. And it’s an unpleasant feeling. You said, you know, it can feel like you don’t have any options. When you looked at your life at that. At that point, how did you get to the point that the choice was that you would downsize your job?

Beatrix Rausch [00:30:33]:
Well, I couldn’t get them into. They would not go into assisted living. And I wonder.

Amy Stone [00:30:39]:
But you did try. You saw that as an option and you said, what I’d really like to do is keep my life. And. And so. And that didn’t work. And then you were in a spot where you’re like, all right, then the only thing I can do is.

Beatrix Rausch [00:30:49]:
Right. So then I thought, okay. So we started trying to access things like we got the Meals on Wheels charted for them, and then we accepted that. Then we tried to get a cleaning person, and then we tried to get onto a situation where we would, you Know, I would visit them every other day and make sure everything is taken care of. Make sure that if they need to get somewhere, if my father can’t do it, I can do it. So yes, that was it because we. I realized that perhaps with part time work I could provide enough support at this time where she was and you know, and she remained stable for a long time. And then of course, as I think I said, she had not been drinking as excessively the last couple of months. Again, maybe it wouldn’t have made a difference but I mean, who knows, right? I’m just.

Amy Stone [00:31:31]:
Yeah, it is one of those questions. Yeah, it is one of those, it is one of those things that I call it the, the knowledge trap. It’s like you can spend all your time thinking.

Beatrix Rausch [00:31:39]:
Right, exactly.

Amy Stone [00:31:40]:
If this had been different and at the. Because we’ve already moved through it. That’s not always a super fun way to spend your time because it’s already done.

Beatrix Rausch [00:31:50]:
And the other piece was this. I realized that they were so isolated more than what I didn’t know. And I was just, I was struck at how did this happen? You know, is it really the ethnic, lack of ethnic connection? Is it the neighborhood? Is it that they didn’t reach out or is it par for the course for aging or pre existing mental health conditions that I didn’t know about. And then my father plays these games with his hearing aids. He doesn’t always wear them. Right. So you’re trying to have a conversation with someone who can’t hear you. And then people started thinking that he had a listening comprehension disorder. Now they are foreign. And then he started alienating himself from people. They were at Rotary because he wouldn’t put them on and because he didn’t want to get a good pair. So then they were completely isolated. So I realized I’m going to.

Amy Stone [00:32:39]:
It is really isolating the hearing loss. I am LAUGHING because like 86 and 90, like this is a, this is a thing at our family events. Like the volume. Volume goes way up. I know when they’re on the phone because people are, you know, full volume to try and get it. And I say that with love and entertainment.

Beatrix Rausch [00:32:58]:
Oh yeah, of course.

Amy Stone [00:32:59]:
But. But it is. When you think about how much of our daily life is communicate is hearing. It can be really isolating to not be able, you know, going out with friends. And I think it’s pretty common just because I have heard this over the years that they, they, you know, people well, you know, I, I can’t go to a book club or like I can’t eat out with my friends. And you put the blame on the, on everything. Right. The true thing is that you’re not hearing very well. And the hearing aid industry is not getting my vote for, like, honest, reliable people. If I tell you the truth, like, I know it’s true. I think that people, they go in and they’re like, yeah, sure, we’ll sell you another set of several thousand dollars worth of hearing aids. And then, you know, they now. And now they’re all attached to apps on the phones and things. Which nobody in this age group is ready to use.

Beatrix Rausch [00:33:59]:
Exactly. That’s right. They don’t even know how to do that. Half of them don’t even have an iPhone. Come on.

Amy Stone [00:34:03]:
Exactly. Yeah. I find it a very, very, you know, if you. It’s one of those things where if you don’t laugh, you’ll cry. But yeah. So the isolation, do you think that’s connected to the decision to buffer with. With wine? Like your mom needed something to do?

Beatrix Rausch [00:34:22]:
I think so. And I think it’s also. The relationship was really difficult for her. They had a very, very high conflict relationship. And I think it never changed. And at some point you say, I’m not going to get divorced. Where am I going to go? So I’m just going to. I’m just going to get happy with mine. I mean, think about how.

Amy Stone [00:34:37]:
I mean, I see the choice there. I do. I’m going to give your mom the benefit of the doubt and say, you know, this sucks. This sucks. This sucks. All right. You know, Chablis, it is the. So this sounds like a terrible set of choices to be faced with, if I’m honest. I think that you really had a very tough multiple choice question in front of you.

Beatrix Rausch [00:35:00]:
Appreciate it. Yes. Yeah. And a very, very stubborn individual, my father, who really had refused to even access the resources that I gave him. You know, like I said, he can go to the. In the car, drive himself in the middle of the night with his. They’ll tell me my finger is broken. I’m like, I’m pretty sure it’s not. And force the ER to give him an X ray for a swollen finger. But we can’t take mom to any kind of stimulating games. We can’t. Places they have, like, all these, you know, retirement centers. We can do adult stuff. Adult day. Good. Nope, not doing that. So that’s very. I think it was like, I am just gonna have my daughter entertain me. That’s all I want. And I’m gonna make her do a kind of Thing and I was kind of stuck. And I’m like, well, I, I felt bad for my mom, honestly, because she was kind of out of it. Then what am I going to do? And to make sure at least she’s being taken care of. So that’s kind of like a lot of the reason that I did what I did. And it was, it’s, you know, I know that a lot of my friends from New York that have, you know, it was a huge Ukrainian community growing up were in that same situation. The only difference was that if they were in a community that had the Ukrainian, we call it nursing home with their friends, they could go there. And it was a lot less expensive than the private ones we have here. And a lot of us would volunteer to help once in a while so it would keep the cost down. So it was a beautiful thing. They left the community.

Amy Stone [00:36:20]:
They left the community. And one of the things I was thinking about several months ago is that this is actually a very modern situation. If you went back 150 years, this was not something that people were talking about. There were not as many facilities. People were not living as long. It was a completely different thing. So my grandmother did move into, she was widowed and she did move into a community. So I remember that. But I think that it was the more the exception until now. It has become something that. And there’s a lot of things there, but it’s not necessarily the thing that I was thinking about is like this is actually not something that people could have trained us. This is not something that we’ve modeled from past generations. Because sometimes there’s a social conversation that’s like, oh well, which I feel like you’ve been getting a little bit. It’s like it’s your job to take care of us. It’s not the same equation as it was when your parents did it or their parents did it. It’s not the same question. So what changed for you in good and bad ways when you cut back the hours that you were working and made that concession? How did, how did, how did life change?

Beatrix Rausch [00:37:32]:
Well, I mean, I think it was also just kind of opening me up to other creative ways to, you know, contribute to the world and maybe help me focus on what more I wanted to do before I die, you know.

Amy Stone [00:37:46]:
OK, okay.

Beatrix Rausch [00:37:47]:
So I’ve been doing the same job for 29 years, you know, and it’s a long time and really very, very involved. It was a very all consuming job. I mean, it’s not just five days a week. It was seven days A week. It would. It was unending. And I was kind of like, gosh, I’ve lost so much of my time. I want to do so many things. And now I had a little bit more time to do. I’ve had a little bit more time. So it’s been a. A blessing, kind of, you know, it’s blessing in disguise. I’m always trying to look for that silver lining every single day. I’m a pretty positive person. So this is a negative thing, but, you know, we’re going to figure out where the silver lining is, you know, and the whole podcast thing would never have happened. We would never have had the time to do it had I been doing that. I had more time to reach out to some of my female friends and deepen those relationships because they became this enormous community support for me. When we had went out of town, I could call them. Even when this happened with my mom, the stroke, we were out of town, and my good friends and Karen came and she’s like, oh, my gosh, you know, what can I do to help? And got them to the hospital and did everything. And had she not done that, I would have had to leave my vacation, you know, and just come home. So there have been so many, many great things and, you know, just a deeper understanding of, like, really, you know, the lack of, really, options for people. And just. I’ve never been down this path, so I’ve learned so much about God. These. These private places are just making a killing.

Amy Stone [00:39:07]:
Yeah.

Beatrix Rausch [00:39:07]:
You know, and it’s unbelievable, the cost of skilled care. If you’re going to be that sick, like, goodness. We’ve got to think about how not to get to that point. What can we do differently now to prevent that? Because I think a lot of these things are really preventable. They really are. I truly believe. You know, if you’ve read the book how not to Die, if you’re familiar with this, which.

Amy Stone [00:39:29]:
Who’s the author of that one? So that’s not Peter Atia.

Beatrix Rausch [00:39:33]:
No. So this is another person. He’s a physician, but he was a researcher, and he had a mother, a grandmother, who 30 years ago was diagnosed with all kinds of conditions, was going to die. He changed her diet to more of a vegan vegetarian, and she basically. All the cancer was reversed, and she lived for 30 more years after that.

Amy Stone [00:39:50]:
Okay, all right. So that. No, I don’t know if I’ve read that one. That does fly in the face of the perimenopausal menopausal advice, which is like, you know, eat Nothing but protein. So. But I do. I think that that is really interesting. You started down this thing about the support that you have, and it does sound like you have amazing community. You’ve said that your husband was supportive and you have friends that are supportive. Looking back over the past couple of years, I like to ask people this for. For the people who are listening. Right. This is not something that can help you, but for people who are listening, who will someday maybe be in a similar situation when you look back, because support is a problem here. Like, support is an issue. What is the support that you wish had been there and had showed up? Like, what were some things that would have been really great that as you went through this, that you wish you would have had support otherwise?

Beatrix Rausch [00:40:43]:
You mean when it was going.

Amy Stone [00:40:44]:
At any point? At any point, yeah.

Beatrix Rausch [00:40:48]:
More siblings.

Amy Stone [00:40:49]:
Okay. Yeah.

Beatrix Rausch [00:40:51]:
You know, I. That’s the one thing I sometimes say to my thing to myself. Mom and dad, if you really wanted people in your family to take care of you, you should have had four kids instead of two, you know, and that can happen.

Amy Stone [00:41:02]:
I don’t know. If your siblings live in the same town as you, it can happen. If the family is spread out.

Beatrix Rausch [00:41:06]:
Yeah.

Amy Stone [00:41:07]:
The default kid is the only one who’s around. Yeah.

Beatrix Rausch [00:41:10]:
Yes. Yeah.

Amy Stone [00:41:11]:
Yeah.

Beatrix Rausch [00:41:12]:
What else? I think I wish we had more resources. Honestly. I think I connected myself to resources because I worked at it. I have a lot of. I’m in a lot of organizations and I have a lot of women friends of different ages. I didn’t actually have them initially, but I developed it as I went on. So I’d say, wish I would have had that sooner. I was very. As I said, I had my head under the water. Was a single parent for a long time, and they got remarried and I was just taking care of my child. Child and working. And I wish I had just had that work life balance like I have now, more of it now, so I could have developed those relationships and support sooner because then you, you know, would have helped each other more. You know, now the. The people that I have in my life have all gone through, are going through similar things, so we can really help each other a lot. So.

Amy Stone [00:42:01]:
Yeah, that is actually a really, really excellent thing for people to think about because when my dad passed away, somebody said to me, they said, you’ve just joined the club that everybody. Most people join. Nobody wants to join it. Right. It’s like. And it is this weird thing about part of the adulting journey that we don’t. I mean, I guess when your Parents get to be like 90. You are thinking about it, but there’s a season where you’re not thinking about it because it’s not happening in front of you and you don’t know. And so you’re not talking to your friends about it and you don’t, you don’t know. And then you end up in this very narrow silo of information and something happens and you have no idea, you have no idea who to talk to or whatever. And I think there’s a lot to be said for the fact that one of the tools is to have a varied and wide community because. And so I think that’s actually excellent advice. Now not, you know, that’s not the easiest thing to whip up with your magic wand.

Beatrix Rausch [00:43:01]:
No, but it’s, you know, as like with anything else, we practice, right. Look at your day. See what your practice, this is what you’re going to have in your life, right. Practicing those skills, going out, making the time. And it’s not easy. Don’t get me wrong, we know anything that we do is an effort making the time to go on this committee inviting people over, reciprocating. We have a wine club that we have like once a month everybody hosts at a different place. We, we love that. You know, I’m in two like organizations. One is like a extension Homemakers. We help with 4H. There’s another one that I do like. I write a newsletter for these other women, the Women’s Club. But you know, it’s a lot, I mean that I did too before. But I wish. These ladies are amazing ladies. They have been my family, they’ve been my support, they’ve been my role models. I mean they’re just. I would, I’m so blessed to have them. But as I said, I was too over focused on the job on like the fear of like I have to support my child kind of thing or you know, I’m just too over committed. And I think we’re. I’m not the only one. I think it’s like something we fall into these traps like oh my God, I have to make that deadline instead of like maybe spending time with, you know, somebody else. No, make the time for your friends and your family because you never know.

Amy Stone [00:44:13]:
You never know. I do, I will say I think that it’s easy to, to go that route. I think there’s a lot of pressure on both sides and also, you know, so I mean I think that you were doing a good job of meeting the needs of your family at the time. So it’s easier to see in hindsight that it was out of balance. And sometimes it feels like it is in the moment. All right, so, so I now I want to give you, we’re going to wrap this up in a second, but I do want to give you a chance. You mentioned it a couple times. I would love to give you a chance to tell the audience about your podcast and, and what you’re doing and how they can find it.

Beatrix Rausch [00:44:47]:
So at social leopards.com is the. Or social leopards. And we have social leopards.com website, but it’s be at Social Leopards and it’s on Audible and it’s, it’s on Spotify and it’s. The first season is really talking about loneliness, social anxiety, how to, how to make friendships, where to make friends, you know, the problems with it, taking steps to kind of like sort of test the waters, you know, strategies. You know, we talk about our own experiences, how we met and what we struggle with. And this season is about perspectives of various topics, you know, so. But yeah, that’s pretty much what it is.

Amy Stone [00:45:24]:
But yeah, so I’ll put the links for that in the show notes and in the email that goes to all of the community. The easiest way to get the links for the people listening is to sign up on the email list for imperfect adulting, because then it shows up in your inbox. You just click on it. I want to just touch on it. It’s come up in many of the interviews I’ve done. I read, I heard. So for me, motherhood was like new motherhood when new baby. It was a very isolating experience. It surprised me. But I read something within the last year, within the last year. So 20, 20, 24, that millennial parents are the most isolated group of parents, that they’re actually studying them. They are self identifying as lonely and unsupported. And so that was a scary thing for me because I’m not a millennial. I was before that and I did find that to be a challenge because I left my community of being a worker and then was like, oh, this eight pound person is keeping me busy. But they’re not great conversation. And I had to find a new group. I had to find a new that the loneliness thing is really important for people. Not just people who are caregiving, but people of all ages. And one of the benefits of the wide communities that we’re talking about is that it’s helpful to have multiple generations access to multiple generations younger people to inspire and energize communities and people who have already been through some things to advise those of us who are younger. So we’re ready for what’s coming. And so I think that’s really important. All right, so now we’re going to wrap up, up. I’m going to ask you three questions not related to anything. It’s not a quiz. It’s just for fun. The idea is, you know, you just give a quick answer. All right, so what is the last thing you do every night or most nights right before you go to sleep?

Beatrix Rausch [00:47:08]:
Meditate.

Amy Stone [00:47:09]:
Really? Oh, I’m so impressed by that.

Beatrix Rausch [00:47:11]:
Yeah. So I have this happy place, which is the beach. I love the beach. I grew up in Staten Island, New York park, near the beach. And so I’m just at the beach for about five minutes every night.

Amy Stone [00:47:22]:
Very. So that’s your serenity spot, your channel. Yes, that’s very, very. Mine is also a beach, but I love the beach so much that I moved so that I’m like, near it all the time. So what is a skill or talent? This is, like, not a heavy duty question, so don’t overthink it. But something, a skill, a talent that you wish you could do, but you can’t. Something that you sometimes see people do, maybe, and you think, oh, my gosh, that is so cool. I wish I could do that. Or I never, you know, whatever.

Beatrix Rausch [00:47:48]:
I just wish I was better at sports.

Amy Stone [00:47:51]:
I don’t know. That’s okay. Yeah, no, that’s fine.

Beatrix Rausch [00:47:54]:
Like, yeah, really good at all these sports, and I’m just not. I only have certain ones. But yes, not.

Amy Stone [00:47:58]:
Yeah, all right, that’s. That’s a good answer. All right, so now this question actually only works if you don’t drive an electric car. I realized that as I wrote it down. But are you a person who goes.

Beatrix Rausch [00:48:09]:
All.

Amy Stone [00:48:09]:
Because you can divide people who drive cars into two groups. Right. Are you a type of person that goes all the way to the empty, empty, empty before you put gas in your car, or are you a person who fills up the tank with plenty of time before you run out of fuel?

Beatrix Rausch [00:48:20]:
I’d say I’m in between the day. I will tell you that twice in my life I have run out of gas because I was just too busy. But I. I’d say I’m somewhere in between.

Amy Stone [00:48:29]:
So you have actually, I have never run out of gas. I. Absolutely. The person on the most coldest days. And yes, I’m going to totally reclassify you and tell you that that means you’re officially the empty, empty person. Because when I get the like note, now you. Like, before in the days it was just like a needle, but now you get like a notice. You’ve got 50 miles to go. Like, when that comes up, the next time I go by a gas station, if I have five minutes, I’m like, yeah, here I am filling up. But there are other people in my family who are not that way. And. And every time, like, it has not happened for a long time, so we don’t drive as much as we used to. But every time they would be, they would be like, oh, well, I ran out of gas. I’m like, how, how, how? Like, it tells you. It gets really angry. It’s like, oh.

Beatrix Rausch [00:49:09]:
But to be fair, you know, I live in a rural area.

Amy Stone [00:49:12]:
See, I do not. Like, there’s a gas station every, like 12ft where I live. My family has no excuse. You get a pass. Like, you could misjudge it. You could misjudge it. You could be like, I think I could make it. And really, you can’t. You get that? You’re. I’m team. I’m team B. I’m team B on that. My family throwing them under the bus, they do not get. All right, that’s it. B. Roush, thank you so much for being a great guest today.

Beatrix Rausch [00:49:38]:
Thank you, Amy, you’re amazing. It was really nice talking to you and I, I appreciated all the follow up questions and how involved you were and it was really terrific to meet you.

Amy Stone [00:49:46]:
Thank you.