Most of us spend our lives carefully constructing the perfect existence – pursuing careers, building relationships, crafting routines that serve our ambitions. We create detailed plans and follow predictable paths, believing we’re in control of our destiny. Then life happens. A phone call changes everything. A crisis demands we abandon our carefully laid plans and step into a role we never imagined for ourselves.
For Mark Steven Porro, that moment came when his 89-year-old mother entered what appeared to be her final days. The lifelong bachelor, comfortably settled in his California routine, suddenly found himself facing a choice that would transform not just his mother’s remaining years, but his entire understanding of what it means to put yourself first – sometimes by putting someone else first.
“I looked around and this was no longer the loving home that we all grew up in,” Mark recalls of that pivotal moment when he realized his mother “deserved better.” What followed was a three-and-a-half-year journey that challenged every assumption about gender roles, family obligations, and what it truly means to live life on your terms – even when those terms include wiping someone else’s bottom and serving tea on a commode.
This story isn’t just about caregiving. It’s about the unexpected ways we discover our capacity for love, the surprising paths that lead to our most meaningful relationships, and how breaking free from others’ expectations can create a better life for everyone involved.
The Foundation: When Family Values Shape Life Decisions
Some people are raised to step up. Mark’s foundation for his eventual caregiving role wasn’t built overnight – it was carefully constructed through decades of watching his parents model compassion and responsibility. Growing up in a strict Catholic household with five siblings, he absorbed lessons about caring for others not through lectures, but through daily examples.
“We watched. My dad had great manners and, you know, when a lady walked into the room, he stood up, okay, and opened the door for the ladies all the time,” Mark remembers. More significantly, he witnessed his mother’s extraordinary capacity for empathy, even toward the smallest creatures. When his brother’s pet mouse appeared to be dying, she “stayed up all night trying to nurture this mouse back to good health. And she did.”
This early exposure to unconditional care created a template for love that would prove invaluable decades later. But perhaps more importantly, it established the principle that family members show up for each other, regardless of convenience or personal cost. His Aunt Flo, who “stuck around and took care of her mother until her mother went into a nursing home, probably around age 90,” provided a direct model of what family caregiving could look like.
When Amy Stone asks about his family’s culture around caregiving, Mark’s response reveals how these early influences shaped his worldview: “We grew up in a very strict Catholic family and you learn to care for others.” The foundation was there, waiting for the moment when it would be tested.
The Catalyst: When Everything Changes in an Instant
Sometimes the most life-altering decisions don’t feel like decisions at all – they feel like the only possible response to an impossible situation. For Mark, that clarity came when he witnessed his mother’s “silent scream,” her desperate attempt to communicate that she wanted “love back into her house and certainly back into her life.”
The crisis began typically enough. His mother, living with hired caregivers in the family home, seemed to be managing. But appearances deceived. “She looked around, said, boy, if this is my life, I’m out of here. I’m not happy,” Mark explains. What followed was a near-death experience that brought all six siblings home for what they believed would be their final goodbye.
Instead of an ending, however, this became a beginning. As hospice taught Mark and his sister the intimate details of caring for someone who couldn’t care for themselves – “the sponge bathe and change the diapers and change the bedding with a helpless patient in bed” – something shifted. Mark began to see not just his mother’s vulnerability, but the environment that had contributed to her despair.
“Most of my mother’s things were sequestered in her bedroom. All the things that were throughout the house that were Porro items and stuff were all stuffed into her room. And these people really kind of took over the home.” The realization hit him with devastating clarity: this was no longer the loving family home where he’d grown up.
The decision to transform his relationships and reclaim his time and energy from his California life wasn’t dramatic – it was inevitable. “My mom deserved better,” he states simply. Sometimes the most profound life changes begin with the most basic recognitions of what we owe the people we love.
Breaking the Mold: Redefining Expectations Around Care
Society has clear expectations about who provides intimate care for aging parents, and those expectations rarely include middle-aged bachelor sons. When Amy asks about the surprises Mark encountered as a male caregiver, his response reveals how breaking free from others’ expectations required him to navigate entirely new territory.
“For a son, I’m seeing my mother naked for the first time. And at that point, she’s 89 years old,” he admits. The vulnerability of this moment – for both mother and son – represents a fundamental shift in their relationship dynamic. Traditional gender roles suggested this type of intimate caregiving would fall to daughters or female professionals, but life had other plans.
Mark’s approach to overcoming these challenges reveals the power of mindset in transforming difficult situations. “If I was going to… this is, I think, where my acting came in. I’m assuming that role of now a caregiver. I had to get over it and get on with it because this is… this is my job or the job I was about to take on.”
The transformation required wasn’t just practical – it was emotional and psychological. He had to redefine his relationship with his mother while simultaneously maintaining her dignity and his own comfort. “She’s still your mom, but she’s my patient at this point,” he explains, capturing the delicate balance required to navigate this new reality.
Perhaps most remarkably, Mark discovered that his unique perspective as a son brought unexpected advantages. “Growing up with three sisters, I learned they all had long hair. So I learned how to take care of mom’s hair and doll her up and… being a son, I think you can… I took maybe a little more romantic approach to taking care of mom.” His first major intervention? “I bought her a new wardrobe. That was the main thing… you want to cheer anybody up at any age, especially a woman, a new wardrobe will do that.”
The Daily Reality: Finding Joy in Unexpected Places
Living life on your terms sometimes means accepting terms you never expected to negotiate. Mark’s daily routine became a carefully choreographed dance of practical care and emotional nurturing, punctuated by moments of humor that kept both mother and son grounded in their essential humanity.
The logistics were demanding: medication management (though they eventually eliminated most prescriptions), bathing, feeding, mobility assistance, and the countless small dignities that make the difference between existing and living. But Mark approached these challenges with a commitment to making his mother’s life not just bearable, but joyful.
“The first thing I wanted to do is return some dignity to her,” he explains. This wasn’t just about new nightgowns and carefully styled hair – it was about treating his mother “like a queen” and ensuring that her final years would be filled with love rather than mere maintenance.
The famous cup of tea moment that inspired his book title perfectly captures this philosophy. When bathroom logistics required extended patience, Mark’s solution was characteristically thoughtful: “Would you like a cup of tea while we’re waiting?” What began as a practical courtesy became a cherished ritual, transforming an embarrassing necessity into a moment of connection.
Even the challenging moments became opportunities for growth and humor. When his mother began peeing during a diaper change, her matter-of-fact response – “it’s natural” – reminded Mark that acceptance and laughter could coexist with frustration and fatigue. “How can you be mad?” he reflects. “You just gotta roll with it.”
The most poignant aspect of Mark’s story may be how he discovered that empowering himself to provide this level of care simultaneously empowered his mother to live her final years with dignity, comfort, and joy. By creating a better life for her, he created a better life for himself – one filled with purpose, connection, and the deep satisfaction that comes from loving someone completely.
The Ripple Effect: When Personal Transformation Inspires Others
Mark’s decision to step into full-time caregiving didn’t just transform his relationship with his mother – it created ripples that continue to inspire and support others facing similar crossroads. His book, “A Cup of Tea on the Commode,” has earned 16 literary awards, but more importantly, it has provided real-life motivation for people navigating their own caregiving journeys.
“The personal notes that I’ve received from people through Facebook and on Amazon and stuff like that, it’s just been amazing,” Mark shares. “You have no idea. You know, you put your heart and soul in something, you don’t know if it’s going to resonate.” The resonance comes from the universal nature of his experience – the way his specific story illuminates broader truths about love, sacrifice, and the unexpected paths to fulfillment.
The timing of Mark’s story feels particularly significant given the demographic realities we’re facing. As Amy notes in their conversation, there are “estimated to be worldwide 50 million adults who are going through memory loss and dementia and are getting what we call elder care… and that’s estimated to double in the next 20 years.” Mark’s experience offers not just inspiration but practical guidance for a generation that will increasingly face these decisions.
Perhaps most significantly, Mark’s story challenges us to reconsider what it means to put yourself first. Sometimes the most self-empowering choice isn’t the one that appears to serve our immediate interests, but the one that aligns with our deepest values and creates meaning from difficulty. By choosing to build the life his mother deserved, Mark built a life he could be proud of – one that continues to generate purpose and connection even after his caregiving role has ended.
His current life in a 500-year-old house in rural France, where he continues to tell his mother’s story and inspire others, represents the unexpected destination of a journey that began with what seemed like sacrifice. Instead, it became the path to discovering what he was truly capable of when life called him to step up.
The lesson isn’t that everyone should become a full-time caregiver, but that sometimes our greatest opportunities for growth, connection, and purpose come disguised as inconvenient interruptions to our carefully planned lives. Mark’s story reminds us that breaking free from others’ expectations – including our own – can lead us exactly where we need to be.
This article was inspired by a thought-provoking interview with Mark Steven Porro and Amy Stone on The Art of Imperfect Adulting podcast. To hear more compelling conversations like this one and receive special offers from our guests directly to your inbox, join our email community today.
Interview Transcript Mark Steven Porro with Amy Stone | The Art of Imperfect Adulting | June 26, 2025
Amy Stone [00:00:03]:
Mark Steven Porro, welcome to the art of imperfect adulting. Are you ready for a fun chat?
Mark Steven Porro [00:00:09]:
I certainly am and so thank you for having me.
Amy Stone [00:00:12]:
Oh, so happy you’re here. So I usually start with the same question for everybody. What part of the world do you call home?
Mark Steven Porro [00:00:20]:
I live in a little village in the south of France called Pezenas, which is just a very cool, very artsy 16th century. There’s some places are a lot older. My place that you’re seeing in the background is almost 500 years old. I visited here in 2015 for five days and fell in love with the village and the people and said this will be my home. And so I moved a couple years later.
Amy Stone [00:00:46]:
That is absolutely the best answer I’ve ever gotten. All the 90 times I’ve asked that question. I love that answer. You also, I think you have maybe the best wifi for anybody who’s living in a 500 year old space that I’ve talked to.
Mark Steven Porro [00:00:59]:
Well, I tell people they get, they can come and share the comforts of King Louis xiv, but with modern day. So we have actually fiber here.
Amy Stone [00:01:08]:
You have fiber? Okay.
Mark Steven Porro [00:01:09]:
Yeah, I don’t think Louis had that, but we have, yeah, we have fiber here. So it’s quite good. It’s also in the middle of the largest wine growing region in the world. So if you’re into wine, it’s great. If you’re not, it’s a frickin nightmare.
Amy Stone [00:01:24]:
We did, we did a family trip several years ago and we went through Germany and up into Amsterdam. That was the family trip. And we stayed in a castle for one of the stops, which I thought was a schloss, which I thought would be a lot of fun to stay in a castle. Not surprisingly though, the medieval castle had terrible WI fi and it was the first place we stopped. And my teenage travel companions were very unhappy about that, I’m sure. Yeah, yeah, very unhappy.
Mark Steven Porro [00:01:51]:
You know, it’s interesting. So the walls are very thick, they’re about 32cm thick, but the ceilings are. I can hear there’s one apartment above me in this building and I hear everything. So the floors are like micro thin, yet the walls are thick. So the walls are the problem with the WI fi, but with the fiber. Yeah, I’m very fortunate here.
Amy Stone [00:02:15]:
It’s good, very nice. All right, so in a second we’re going to start the official conversation which is not about WI fi and castles, but I want to ask one more warm up question. Can you share with me in the audience something that you that’s A ho, A pastime, or a passion that isn’t work or family?
Mark Steven Porro [00:02:32]:
Well, I’d have to say my attempt at learning the French language because I came here without knowing any French, but we have French on my mom’s side. My mom’s parents both passed before she was married, so we didn’t really know my grandmother or my great grandmother, who actually married a Frenchman. And so I think my French ancestors helped pave the way here. So. And my girlfriend is fluent in French and she’s Swiss French. And so I have to learn a language. So I wouldn’t quite say it’s a passion. It should be. I should work harder. But the people here are so kind, and they apologize for their bad English. And so I really think my, my goal here is to help them with their English more so than they help me with my French.
Amy Stone [00:03:23]:
What’s the toughest thing you’ve tried to do in French Speak?
Mark Steven Porro [00:03:28]:
They, But I understand quite a bit. They, they, they, they speak very fast. They drive very fast also, but they speak very fast like we do as Americans. You just go. And, and in the south, it’s, it’s also like America. They have a very distinct accent. And the French that I’ve learned is through, I’m sure, Parisian.
Amy Stone [00:03:49]:
Oh, so, yeah.
Mark Steven Porro [00:03:51]:
And so a lot of times they have no idea what I’m saying, even though I’m speaking French. The, the pronunciation is incorrect for them, and they’re lovely. But I, I, I see, I, I see them. As soon as they hear the accent, they turn off.
Amy Stone [00:04:04]:
They turn off and say, can we speak English to you? Yes. Yeah, exactly. All right, so now to get to the topic of the day, which is the relationship with you and your mom, caregiving for your mom. Are you ready to talk about that?
Mark Steven Porro [00:04:17]:
Sure.
Amy Stone [00:04:18]:
I know. I think you’ve talked about this a lot, so I’m excited to hear it. So the end of this story, the point of the story is the caregiving relationship with you and your mom. But I want to back up a little bit, and before we do that, and talk a little bit about your earlier concept when you were younger about caregiving in your family. Like, talk about your grandparents and so on and so forth. When you were growing up, do you feel like you had a culture of the kids should take care of their parents when they got older?
Mark Steven Porro [00:04:49]:
I guess I only had one grandparent. My mother’s parents died before she was married. My grandfather died when I was maybe 1 years old. So all I had was my grandma on my dad’s side, and she Was great. And we always, we went quite often to grandma’s house. She lived on, on, in Floral Park, Long island, and we lived in New Jersey. So it was an hour, maybe hour and a half trip, but we went quite often. My father was the second son, and so I learned, you know, that she was a valuable part of the family and I enjoyed it. Her, her daughter, who never married, lived with her and was like her caregiver. And early on, Aunt Flo and I did not get along very well. I was scooted out of the house quite often with the broom. But later on, we actually became really, really like pals again. A very cool lady, and I respect that. She stuck around and took care of her mother until her mother went into a nursing home, probably around age 90. And. But we grew up in a very strict Catholic family and you learn to care for others. And I saw both of my parents, they, they taught us, I think, more by example than telling us what to do. We, you know, we watched. My dad had great manners and, you know, when a lady walked into the room, he stood up, okay, and opened the door for the ladies all the time. And, and I do this and I tell people, chivalry is not dead. My mother, I never heard, I think, an ill word about anybody from her. And she cared especially for animals. We had a lot of animals in the family. I mean, a ton of animals. And even the. I have a chapter in the book about these two mice. She bought two mice for my older brother. And one of them, after, you know, mouse years is about, I think, a two year lifespan. One was. Looked like she was on her way out. And so my brother said, because I wasn’t, I think, even around for this, he said that he watched this woman stay up all night trying to nurture this mouse back to good health. And she did. And the mouse lived for at least a couple more mouse years and produced more mice. And that was his first impression, how much my mom cared about animals in particular, but the smallest ones. And she proved that my whole life, because whenever we had animals or pets and we sometimes, you know, you become a little more neglectful as a teenager especially, and mom took them all on.
Amy Stone [00:07:41]:
Well, that’s the role of the family, right? But yes, I’ve given many lectures in my house about if we’re going to adopt the pets, you guys have to take care of them. And it always falls back to the parents at some point or another, more or less. And there are a few pets where I was like, listen, this one is off the table because I am not going to step in. So the kids wanted snakes and things like that. And I was like, I have nothing against snakes. I just know myself. I don’t want to get in there and clean the cage and hunt it up. So I got to say no. Got to say no. Because you got to be able to help. All right, so you had an example of a family member stepping into care for somebody older than them, and that’s part of the story then. And then you talk about siblings. How many kids? How many siblings do you have?
Mark Steven Porro [00:08:22]:
Five siblings. So I have two older brothers, two older sisters, and one younger sister.
Amy Stone [00:08:27]:
So you’re the second to youngest, second.
Mark Steven Porro [00:08:29]:
To younger, and the tallest. Okay, that is something to do because I still have some payback. My two older brothers, boy, they did a lot of stuff to me when writing this book. I discovered even more that was, I think, hidden in my deep recesses of my memory. But payback is coming.
Amy Stone [00:08:46]:
That’s so funny.
Mark Steven Porro [00:08:47]:
Maybe writing the book was part of that.
Amy Stone [00:08:49]:
It’s so funny that those wounds, those relationships stay the same no matter how old we get. It’s like I’m the tallest. Like, this is the where. This is where it is. Absolutely. All right, so you shared with me on the intake form that when you finally made the switch to care for your mom, you were living a carefully carefree, bachelor life. That’s how you describe it. Take a minute and tell us a little bit about what your life was like before this big shift.
Mark Steven Porro [00:09:14]:
Well, in 84, I gave up a really good design career. Not totally, but the acting bug. I caught the acting bug. And part of that was mom’s fault. She introduced us to the arts early on in our lives, and we traveled to New York to see Broadway plays and the ballet and Lincoln center and Radio City musical and all that kind of stuff. And. And then all of us took ballet as kids, and we performed and all that stuff. So I kind of buried that for a while because I wanted to go to medical school.
Amy Stone [00:09:49]:
Okay.
Mark Steven Porro [00:09:50]:
And in college, I switched over to industrial design because I still had a creative. A strong creative side and industrial design. I was very fortunate. Married. All my. My, I guess, passions at the time, which was math and science and art, and Ohio State is where I went. I’m wearing the shirt now. They.
Amy Stone [00:10:11]:
We can still be friends, but I have a kid that goes to Michigan.
Mark Steven Porro [00:10:14]:
Okay, that’s a.
Amy Stone [00:10:16]:
We can still be friends.
Mark Steven Porro [00:10:17]:
Not that crazy kind of fan, but, boy, it exists.
Amy Stone [00:10:20]:
It does. It does. That is the rivalry.
Mark Steven Porro [00:10:23]:
Michigan’s a great school. I won’t we won’t talk about their football, but asterisk next to their championship and there’s none with us, but okay, moving on. So I got a lovely degree and I worked for a couple of really good design firms and then this acting bug bit me again and so I moved out to LA and enjoyed that life for 28 years. I started some companies, I jokingly call them nonprofits because I was a bit of an entrepreneur, serial or whatever, and some of those didn’t work out, but I learned from each adventure while pursuing the acting the whole time. But I was never married, had no children, and California was great. And then.
Amy Stone [00:11:14]:
So you were living in California when the, when this script shifted?
Mark Steven Porro [00:11:19]:
Yeah, so I had a really good relationship with both of my folks and my father passed about 14 years earlier. And so my mom was alone in the house that we are at this point where we all grew up. And we had some people who moved in upstairs that were supposed to see, oversee the house and the, in the household duties and do shopping and stuff for mom. Mom could still take care of herself, but she was no longer driving and things like that. But she got to a point after her 80, this, this event that was the catalyst right after her 89th birthday. She suffered from depression throughout her life, but hid it very well from us. And I didn’t know how deep it got. But this point, I think she looked around, said, boy, if this is my life, I’m out of here. I’m not happy. She had two sons that lived close and my other sister lived at the Jersey shore not far away. But the main people in her life at that point were these people she did not get along with. And so she kind of, I think, willed herself to death. So she was, as the doctor cut off all meds and, and called hospice and my brother said, I put mom to bed and she’s not responding to anything. And so I called it a semi comatose state. So I flew in the next day and all the kids came home.
Amy Stone [00:12:44]:
Because you thought this was the end.
Mark Steven Porro [00:12:46]:
Yeah, we were on death watch.
Amy Stone [00:12:48]:
Yeah.
Mark Steven Porro [00:12:48]:
And hospice was there. And then at one point, shortly after that, we had a priest come in and deliver the last rites and my younger sister and I picked out a nice eco friendly coffin. The rest of the funeral arrangements were set with my brother who handled all the family finances. And I think those, those particular things. And so yeah, it was, it was a bit scary. But hospice was great. These again, these people in the house, I didn’t really care for them either, but. But hospice was on duty. And so my younger sister and I hung out with hospice because we wanted to learn how to take care of our mother for as long as she was going to be with us. We wanted to be there and be hands on. And they were very generous teaching us how to, you know, the sponge bathe and change the diapers and change the bedding with a helpless patient in bed. And at that point, my mother had some bedsores and how to treat those. And it was great because I think after a few weeks, again, no food, a little moisture on her lips, and that was it, and no meds, mom snapped out of it. And I think that she. I have a chapter in the book called A Silent Scream, and I think it was a cry for help. She wanted love back into her house and certainly back into her life and with all her kids there, I think she kind of felt that. And yeah, so when she woke up while I was there and she was, you know, not really responsive, I looked around and. And this was no longer the loving home that we all grew up in. And most of my mother’s things were sequestered in her bedroom. All the things that were throughout the house that were poro items and stuff were all stuffed into her room. And these people really kind of took over the home. And so as I took all that stuff in, I said, my mom deserves better. And so I stayed with her for several weeks after she woke up from this. And. And then I. When I felt comfortable enough to go back to LA because I had a business at this point, I had a business that was actually doing pretty well. My brother and I started a snack food business to honor my dad and his invention of this half popcorn popcorn snack. So I had a factory in la and wow, okay. But I was able to go back and produce enough to handle because our business at that point was slowing down a little bit. We were a national brand and we had national distribution, but things were happening where things were about to slow down. So the timing, whether mom had something to do with it, I don’t know. But the timing was perfect. Okay, I can let this. I can let this dwindle a little bit because Mom’s more important. And so hospice, at least in New Jersey, when they are called, they stay for six months maximum. So I knew they were going to be on for at least a couple more months. So I felt comfortable that even though the people were still in the house doing what they. They did, I could go back to la. And I kept in touch with mom. And at that point she had an iPad so we could do video calling and stuff like that. And then September I came back and my nephew was getting married at the Jersey shore. So I, I told the people who were there, I’m taking over again for these next two weeks, so relax. And, and I treated her like a queen, and she loved it. And, you know, growing up with three sisters, I learned they all had long hair. So I learned how to take care of mom’s hair and doll her up and, and, and, and being a son, I think you can. At least I did. I took maybe a little more romantic approach to taking care of mom. And so during that time at the wedding, it was her first time out since this near death thing like six months earlier. And she was the belle of the ball. She just loved it. And we got her dolled up with lipstick, and I had her hair. Her hair was long again, which was lovely, because most of the. After having six kids, it went from long to short. A perm.
Amy Stone [00:17:09]:
Yeah.
Mark Steven Porro [00:17:11]:
Yeah. So during that, those two weeks in September, I asked her if she wanted me to come back and make sure she was treated like this the rest of her life. And she said yes.
Amy Stone [00:17:21]:
So let’s go back and cover a couple of those things so that they don’t get lost, because I think there was a. There’s a lot of information in there that people might be interested in. So she was widowed for over a decade before this started.
Mark Steven Porro [00:17:34]:
14 years. Yeah. Yeah.
Amy Stone [00:17:35]:
And so she was living alone. I think that everybody who’s not living under a rock probably knows that, you know, loneliness and isolation as you age and as you lose, you know, mobility and community, that’s a definite issue. So it sounds like you guys had, you guys had brought people into the house to sort of pick up on the things that she needed done and keep her company. And keep her company. So. Like companions. Like companions. And do the things around the house that needed to be done. How close? There’s two, two brothers that you said that were close. How close were they to the house?
Mark Steven Porro [00:18:11]:
Well, my older brother, well, my oldest brother is six years older, and he handled again, all the finances. And he would, he would visit my mother probably twice a day.
Amy Stone [00:18:23]:
Okay. So very close.
Mark Steven Porro [00:18:24]:
Help her and distribute the medications. At that point. That point, you know, in the u. S. Medical system, she probably had a dozen medications. So we ordered all those and, and, and divvied those up on what, you know, every day you have those boxes for Monday through Sunday. And. And so he was very good. And it was a lot of pressure because he did the hiring of. Of all these people. This was the third group that we had in that house.
Amy Stone [00:18:50]:
Right.
Mark Steven Porro [00:18:51]:
So at this point, it was probably about four or five years she was back in the home. She did go to assisted living before that.
Amy Stone [00:18:58]:
Okay.
Mark Steven Porro [00:18:58]:
For a few years, and that was an adjustment, but she liked it because she’s. She was very social and. And she had a dog, and they allowed her to have the dog. She had her own apartment, and so the social was very important that she had there. But her dog. There was a biting incident.
Amy Stone [00:19:17]:
Okay.
Mark Steven Porro [00:19:18]:
Part of the book. And so they said, the dog goes. And she says, if the dog goes, I go.
Amy Stone [00:19:23]:
So that’s how she ended it back at home.
Mark Steven Porro [00:19:26]:
Luckily, we still had the family home and it was still livable, but it needed some work. So actually, I flew back. I have a lot of experience with construction and design stuff, so I worked on the house to get it back up to livability. It was okay. It was close. But then I also built an apartment upstairs for these people who were going to come in.
Amy Stone [00:19:49]:
Okay, so you did that, and so you brought in people to. To do that. I want to ask a little bit about this. Like, the. So was. Was this just age or was there anything else going on? Like, was there memory stuff like dementia, Alzheimer’s, or just a little bit of that? Okay.
Mark Steven Porro [00:20:05]:
In fact, the chapter in a book about that, too, because a couple of months in. So I’m. When I took over the 247 care, which was later that year, I’m the only one of the six kids that she couldn’t remember the name of.
Amy Stone [00:20:25]:
Okay.
Mark Steven Porro [00:20:26]:
And I’m the one wiping her butt several times a day. So I have a chapter in the book. Does wiping butt cause amnesia?
Amy Stone [00:20:32]:
I did see. I. Sorry. I looked. I looked through parts of the thing and I saw something.
Mark Steven Porro [00:20:36]:
I was like, I have scientific evidence that, in fact, it does. But, you know, that was one of the. That was one of the things I learned. You can’t take any of this stuff personally because I knew she loved all her kids and. But. But she had a wicked sense of humor. So one morning, this is a couple months in, she. I. I go in the morning routine would be. I’d wake her up and give her some juice in a sippy cup, and she would say, good morning. She goes, now what is it? I call you? And I said, you’re kidding, right? She says, no. I said, name your kids. And she says, laurel, Michael, Carol, David, dc. And stumped, Just Mark. And I thought, oh, I have her. She goes, oh, Mark. And I said. Then she says, oh, Mark with a K. I said, yes, you named me. And she goes, okay. And I said, I’m your favorite son. She goes, I don’t have a favorite. Well, you have a favorite to forget.
Amy Stone [00:21:36]:
That would be. That could be hard not to take personally. Could be tough not to take personally. Absolutely. So I try not to ask my guests to tell stories of other people. But I am going to break that rule a little bit here because I would love for you to share like a little bit because you’ve laid out some of the ways that you were caring for her. But what was her life like sort of before, without you, before you stepped in as a caregiver, what was her daily routine? And then how did it maybe shift when you came in as a 247 caregiver?
Mark Steven Porro [00:22:09]:
Okay. So at that point we had someone helping her with their personal hygiene.
Amy Stone [00:22:14]:
Okay.
Mark Steven Porro [00:22:15]:
Because she couldn’t get up and easily, let’s say, get to the bathroom and things like that. So we had a nurse’s aide come in in the morning and get her ready because she would go to a senior center again for the social and to keep active several times a week. So this person would come in and get her ready to go to the senior center. So mom would spend most of the day at the senior center and then come back. She ate breakfast at home, I assume she ate lunch at the senior center. And then she came back and had dinner. These people would give her dinner and she would sit in the living room in a cushy chair and watch Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy.
Amy Stone [00:23:00]:
Yeah. As one does.
Mark Steven Porro [00:23:02]:
Mom was a proofreader for the largest newspaper in New Jersey. So words and all that stuff was a big deal for her spelling and. And then also the Animal Planet. If she could watch the animal planet 24 7, I think she would be totally happy. And. And then this per the nurse’s aide would get her ready for bed at night and she’d get to probably in bed by 8:00. And that was pretty much it. And that was the routine. And I guess when I came in, the first thing I did was she had these drab night dresses and day dresses and looked like an old lady. And I’m like, you know, especially with three sisters and stuff. I said, come on. So I said the first thing I wanted to do is return some dignity to her. So I bought her a new wardrobe. That was the main thing. And I said, you want to cheer anybody up at any age, especially a woman, a new wardrobe will do that, okay, so that was a challenging thing because you have a middle aged guy looking for nightwear for a woman in the, in the, the malls. It was a little freaky and stuff. So I eventually got those online and, and, and then I just, I, I, I tried to treat her like a queen. One of the really interesting things though. So our adventure lasted three and a half years.
Amy Stone [00:24:21]:
Okay, so you lived, you were full time three and a half years?
Mark Steven Porro [00:24:25]:
Well, three and a half years for this adventure. So I didn’t, when this thing happened, this near death thing happened in February, I didn’t move back full time and until December of that year.
Amy Stone [00:24:34]:
Okay.
Mark Steven Porro [00:24:36]:
And so the whole, the whole time in the book, the time frame is three and a half years, but mom was almost completely med free that whole time. So all those medications she was taking, she didn’t need any of those. She needed digoxin because she had a pacemaker. And so digoxin was I think, the only medicine really that she took after that.
Amy Stone [00:25:01]:
So after hospice left, you guys went, worked with the doctors and just took all those medicines off. She just never went back on them.
Mark Steven Porro [00:25:07]:
Right.
Amy Stone [00:25:08]:
Very interesting. So how did you make the decision? So you went to the family wedding, you talked to your mom, you said, would you like me to be there from your side? What were the things going through your head that were like, I want to be there for my mom 24 7. I want to be the person who’s there. How did you make that decision to move home?
Mark Steven Porro [00:25:27]:
Well, the decision was easy. My mom deserved better.
Amy Stone [00:25:30]:
Okay.
Mark Steven Porro [00:25:31]:
And at that point I knew I had to step up because with my older brother doing what he was doing, so visiting twice a day and hiring these people, and when we would come in to visit mom, we would say, hey, these people aren’t great. And my brother would say, great, what are you going to do about it?
Amy Stone [00:25:48]:
Right. Please help.
Mark Steven Porro [00:25:50]:
Yeah, it was a lot on his shoulder. So one of the reasons was to, to take some of the, the work off his shoulders. And, and you know, she’s, she always took care of us. I never felt like a mom, you know, wavered with me. And I had a pretty interesting upbringing and stuff like that. Whenever I did any bad things, it wasn’t like, you know, you’re out of here or whatever. So mom was always there for us. And I grew up in this, this family that we took care of ourselves, you know, or each other, and, and it was important and yeah, it made me feel good. Okay. You know, I said the first thing when I asked her that, that permission Discussion. I said, if I do this, two things. First of all, we’re going to have fun, because that’s my approach. And she was a funny lady and she was game. And second of all, it means if you trust me. And she said, yes. I said, I will protect you and make sure you stay healthy and safe for the rest of your life. And she said, great. And I said, but that means I’m in charge. My mood completely changed.
Amy Stone [00:27:05]:
How did it change?
Mark Steven Porro [00:27:07]:
Yeah. Well, because I’m now in charge. I say, you must now obey me.
Amy Stone [00:27:11]:
And did she like that? Did she laugh or was she a pucker?
Mark Steven Porro [00:27:14]:
She looked me straight in the eye. It was not like, oh, yes. It was like, huh? But she puckered up for a kiss. And I knew her at that point, so I wasn’t sure if that was one saying yes or one saying, I’m wishing you luck, good luck, because she could be a tough cookie. So I gave her a kiss and hope for the best.
Amy Stone [00:27:36]:
There you go.
Mark Steven Porro [00:27:37]:
Yeah.
Amy Stone [00:27:38]:
So what were the first big changes and challenges that you came across when you took this on as a full time role?
Mark Steven Porro [00:27:46]:
Yeah, well, it happened originally with. With the hospice and especially for a son. I’m seeing my mother naked for the first time.
Amy Stone [00:27:55]:
Fair enough.
Mark Steven Porro [00:27:56]:
And at that point, she’s 89 years old.
Amy Stone [00:27:58]:
Yeah.
Mark Steven Porro [00:27:59]:
And. But if I was going to. And this is, I think, where my acting came in. I’m assuming that role of now a caregiver. I had to get over it and get on with it because this is. This is my job or the job I was about to take on. And you’re seeing what the years have done to your mother. And gravity is not kind. And she had open heart surgery years earlier and now she has a pacemaker. And so that was a bit of an adjustment. And. And then I won’t go into it, but we have some other stuff in the book. The things that I had to do. There was no line that I did not cross to make her life better.
Amy Stone [00:28:43]:
All right.
Mark Steven Porro [00:28:44]:
And these attempts. And I learned again, a lot from hospice in the beginning, and I did some research on my own and things like that. But, yeah, I think that was the main thing that would be. It’s still my mom, but she’s my patient at this point.
Amy Stone [00:29:02]:
Yeah, that would be an adjustment.
Mark Steven Porro [00:29:03]:
Best for her, but also treat her with, you know, dignity and still your mom.
Amy Stone [00:29:08]:
So it’s like a completely different redefinition of the roles and identities within your family, which, I mean, those happen, we shake those up, but with a famous shift for that role, the shift is when, like, the kids shift from being children to being adults. And sometimes parents really struggle with, like, adolescents and young adult. But we don’t. The next one is what you went through, which is the reverse, which is like stepping in as the caregiver for somebody who was your adult. And it’s the. Those are always hard within a family to redefine those things for sure. All right. So you stepped in as support for your mom, who is supporting you at this time. Because caregiver support is a big thing. It’s exhausting.
Mark Steven Porro [00:29:48]:
Yeah. So let’s say when hospice was there, my younger sister and I were very hands on. And then we taught some of those tips and tricks we learned from hospice to my older brother and oldest sister. The two middle kids were hands off.
Amy Stone [00:30:03]:
Okay.
Mark Steven Porro [00:30:04]:
They were not comfortable at all. They helped in other ways. And I would have to say, one of the things I learned, you’ve got to find what your wheelhouse is and be comfortable or fake it really well because you don’t want your loved one or your patient to feel that because they’ll feel guilty and that’ll cause issues. So even if I had some emotional issue, I would get out of the room. I didn’t want my mom to see that or experience that at all. I want her to know that here we are. And we had some rough times and we had. Yeah. So I had to get over that. And. Yeah. But I would say whenever my younger sister came in to visit, she had five kids, she lived in Michigan. She had a business. And when she would come in, she would help. She would jump right back in and be hands on. My brother Michael kept in. We. We called it kept in practice. He would come every Tuesday. I mean, he stepped. He would visit quite often. It’s still. But he would come in on Tuesday nights and cook and get mom ready for bed.
Amy Stone [00:31:06]:
Okay.
Mark Steven Porro [00:31:06]:
So he did the sponge bathing and all that stuff. So in case I needed help, he would be able to jump in and stay and stay in practice. And then when I had to go every few months, I had to go back out to LA to. For the snack food company. My sister, who also lived in California, would fly in and substitute for me. So we always had a family member on duty.
Amy Stone [00:31:27]:
So you were juggling all these things I was going to ask you because. So you did not completely shut down everything in L. A when you moved home, right? Yeah. You see, you were doing. You were doing the whole bike.
Mark Steven Porro [00:31:38]:
We let it kind of peter out, but yeah, because I wasn’t Aggressively marketing it or any of that kind of.
Amy Stone [00:31:43]:
Stuff still that you still had one foot in like things going on, connections. That’s okay. So that’s. And it sounds like your family all like, you guys circled the wagons and everybody did their part. So you were not unsupported. You had a pretty good family support.
Mark Steven Porro [00:31:59]:
We were very lucky because I’ve heard horror stories.
Amy Stone [00:32:02]:
It can be. I think it can be really hard. I can think it’d be really hard. So one of the things that you mentioned in the intake form, which I think is absolutely true, is that you don’t often hear about the primary caregiver in these situations being a son or. And especially if you’ve got. I mean this is generalized in some circles. Not circles I tend to hang out in as often as it very much as women’s work. Right. Like taking care of the babies, taking care of those. And you had sisters, but you stepped up to do this. And so what are some. So seeing your mom naked, shifting to her, thinking of her as a patient, so on and so forth. Were there any things that came up with, you know, when you showed up as the caregiver? Like, what were the other surprises that popped up?
Mark Steven Porro [00:32:53]:
Well, there were a couple of funny. Again, mom was funny. We had some funny conversations and. And part of that was a little bit of her dimension stuff. But I would have to say. So I gave her spongebob in the morning and night and it was quite a routine had to go through, especially at night to get her ready because the next time it. It might be 12 hours before she’s getting up and changing a diaper and stuff like that. So I’m just about to finish taping the diaper and she starts peeing on me. Now that’s cute. If you’re a brand new mother and you’re.
Amy Stone [00:33:30]:
You’re interested, it’s not even cute then.
Mark Steven Porro [00:33:32]:
Okay, well, it’s cuter than this.
Amy Stone [00:33:35]:
Yes.
Mark Steven Porro [00:33:35]:
So Mom, Mom’s peeing on me. And I just. Oh, mom, why? I just about feeling finished and she says it’s natural. And you go, how can you be mad? I mean, it’s just like you gotta. You have to. And part of that, whether it’s my acting and certainly my upbringing, that’s something that you just gotta roll with it.
Amy Stone [00:33:56]:
You know, I mean it is definitely natural. I don’t know. Diapers are not great. Like I was. One of my jokes about parenting is. And I’ve never is is that, you know, nobody complains about the last diaper you changed. You’re just like, thank goodness. Like, this is something we’ to say goodbye to. And then frame that right. All done. You know, that is a milestone we’re happy to pass through, you know, we know, with goodbye diapers. So that is. You are a trooper. Absolutely. So in a minute, we’re going to do the final fun questions, but you did write a book about this, and I want to give you a chance to tell people directly about the book and. And all the things. Things.
Mark Steven Porro [00:34:39]:
Okay. So the book is titled A Cup of Tea on the Commode. And at this point, it was no longer really safe for mom to try to get in and out of the bathroom. So we had a commode bedside, and sometimes the mother nature took a little longer than was comfortable for either one of us. And so her favorite beverage was a cup of hot tea, skim milk, and no sugar. And I kind of, as a joke, I just said, would you like a cup of tea while we’re waiting? And she said, sure. So I made her a cup of tea, and it became a hit. She loved it. And I said, okay. And then when I was writing the book, you know, that came out of just a practical thing. I said, that’s a great title. And most people think so. There’s a few people.
Amy Stone [00:35:24]:
I think it’s very cute.
Mark Steven Porro [00:35:24]:
Yeah. Anyway, so. And while I was doing this, I felt my. Whether it’s my unique approach or what, being a son, I had some friends being baby boomers that were going through a similar thing. And one of my friends called and I started sharing some of the things I was doing, and she got some benefit out of it. And I said, you know, I think I got something here. And I always wrote. I wrote in Hollywood and. And I used to stand up and I always took notes. And I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with it, but I took extensive notes that this whole time and photographs and videos. And I did that with my dad, too. My dad passed. I only had eight days with him, but I knew I wanted to record this family moment or this family history so the others, it wouldn’t be lost, let’s say, with. With Uncle Mark or Mark or whatever. So especially with mom, since we had such a. A long time, I was privy to some interesting conversations and some funny things and some sad things. And I wanted not only to record the family history, but I thought some people could get something out of it. And so that was the gist of the book. And I. I wrote screenplays and movies and stuff like that, but I Didn’t write. I’ve never written a book before, especially a memoir, so I knew that was going to be the genre, so I started studying it, and I did that after I moved to France because I needed some emotional distance. It was crybaby, and I. I couldn’t tackle this, but I had the notes, and whenever I felt I had something that was important, I would jot down the notes. And then after a year or so here, I really started knuckling down, and I started studying with a memoir coach and got to a point where I felt pretty comfortable and did a few drafts. And. And I found a publisher that it resonated with. And. And. And that was very rare, especially in your 60s, to get a publisher. And they’ve been great. And the book is resonating with lots of people. And the notes I’ve gotten. I mean, the. Another award came on Easter, so 16 literary awards, which is kind of cool. But the personal notes that I’ve received from people through Facebook and on Amazon and stuff like that, it’s just been amazing. You have no idea. You know, you put your heart and soul in something, you don’t know if it’s going to resonate.
Amy Stone [00:37:51]:
You never know.
Mark Steven Porro [00:37:51]:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it is. And it’s. It’s a. It’s been a blast. And. And it’s been very steady. We had it released on Mother’s Day in 2023, and. And the sales continued to be very steady. And. And people want to do these interviews, which is lovely. And. And it’s cool because I keep telling stories about my mom, and it keeps her in the present. So this is your gift to me to be able to share those stories. So it’s lovely.
Amy Stone [00:38:21]:
Absolutely. So I was looking it up. I didn’t know. I didn’t know if it was a memory thing or if it was just aging when I was writing out the interview. But I did look it up because this is something that more and more people are going to go through. It is a generational thing, which is very interesting. So, like, your parents did less of it than your generation is doing. And then my generation is likely to do more. There are estimated to be worldwide 50 million adults who are going through memory loss and dementia and are getting what we call elder care. And in the United States, we call it unpaid elder care because it’s families and friends and so on and so forth, and that’s estimated to double in the next 20 years. So these stories about how we’re stepping into this and how we’re taking into people Taking care of the people we love are probably more and more important as we. As we go. Because we don’t all have them. We don’t all have them. And even if we did, even if when we were young, we saw people taking care of other people. I don’t know about you. When I was 10 or 11, I wasn’t paying attention, Right? I wasn’t paying attention. So the name of the book is A Cup of Tea on the Commode, My Multitasking Adventures of Caring for mom and How I Survived to Tell the Tale. You’ve offered to send out a couple of PDF copies for the people who sign up on your website. So we’ll put the link to that in the show notes and in the email that goes to all of the subscribers, which is the very best email. Easiest way for people to get the links with any podcast.
Mark Steven Porro [00:39:42]:
Right.
Amy Stone [00:39:42]:
Find my community and get those emails. Zip, zap, zoom, Mark. Are you ready for the final questions? The rapid fire, just for fun questions?
Mark Steven Porro [00:39:51]:
Oh, I guess so. I’ll tell you after.
Amy Stone [00:39:54]:
Don’t be scared. All right. Do you these days have a set morning routine? And what is it?
Mark Steven Porro [00:40:02]:
Waking up, stretching.
Amy Stone [00:40:05]:
Okay.
Mark Steven Porro [00:40:06]:
And getting out of bed. It’s funny because now I’m getting up earlier, but I went through a phase when I first met my girlfriend. I had. And there’s a chapter in the book about this. My mom actually almost outlived me because of the stress and stuff. So being a guy, I kind of resisted all the tips from hospice. You know, take breaks. And so after that, I had three major surgeries. After those surgeries, I said, you know what? I’m going to let my body tell me, okay, when to wake up and things like that. So I. I said my Native American name was up at 10. So I would get up at 10. And. And it’s sometimes earlier, sometimes later, but I let my body tell me when. So that’s the routine I let you know because.
Amy Stone [00:40:52]:
Yeah, I. That. That’s very. That’s very good. That’s very. All right. Very good. All right. So you wrote a book. Do you also listen to books or read books? And if so, do you want to share something that you recently read or listened to?
Mark Steven Porro [00:41:06]:
Well, I. I do. I do both. I have to say, I’m not a great reader. I. I have to admit, you know, now I’m an author. I cannot tell you a book I read in high school.
Amy Stone [00:41:18]:
Okay.
Mark Steven Porro [00:41:19]:
Honest. Isn’t that funny? I have some favorite books that I love. Well, once. Once I became an adult, I started Reading a lot. So I’ve read. I tried to make up for it, but there. I’m trying to think of what. What was recent? There’s. There was a male blonde joke I read, which was kind of funny because you always hear the. The woman blonde jokes. Want me to tell you that one?
Amy Stone [00:41:42]:
No, I think we’re gonna skip that.
Mark Steven Porro [00:41:44]:
Okay. It’s not bad, but. Okay.
Amy Stone [00:41:46]:
Okay. All right. It could be. All right. Very good. So now you live in a place where many people would consider vacation. Do you still take vacations? And if so, doing local vacations in France? Or are you still doing, like, travel the world, go exotic places?
Mark Steven Porro [00:42:02]:
I have been on vacation since I’ve moved here. Okay, but you’re. You’re in Europe, so you’re close. I’ve been to Spain. I just was in London for the London Book Fair a few weeks back.
Amy Stone [00:42:14]:
Very nice.
Mark Steven Porro [00:42:15]:
My girlfriend is Swiss, so we go to Switzerland quite a bit. And then where we go in Switzerland is about five minutes from Germany. And my grandmother was German, so we go to German Germany, so. And I’ve been to Italy. I took a trip, actually. I took my dad to Italy to the village where his father came from 100 years earlier.
Amy Stone [00:42:36]:
Wow.
Mark Steven Porro [00:42:38]:
What. So I. I made. There’s a documentary about that also, and there’ll be more. There is a chapter in the book, my mom’s book. I’m also writing. The next book is more about my dad. But we went to this little village when my dad turned 80. I gave it to him, like, for a birthday gift and shot a documentary of it. And it was just unbelievable, Trip. It was just the two of us, and he was suffering from heart disease at the time, but he was a tough cookie, and he kind of hid it and. And muscled through it, and. And we just had a blast because the house is still there where his father was born. And his grandfather was the mayor of this village. And there was some rumor. I don’t want to ruin it. They’ll have to read the book about why he left because he was the mayor, and apparently there were some shenanigans going on, and that’s why he came to America. And we found out that, in fact, was not true.
Amy Stone [00:43:37]:
Well, that’s fun.
Mark Steven Porro [00:43:38]:
He’s hailed as a hero, and we wouldn’t have found that out if we didn’t get to that village.
Amy Stone [00:43:44]:
Wow.
Mark Steven Porro [00:43:44]:
It was only 200 people at the time. Now it’s less than 100. And it was. You know, I’ve got a picture of my dad knocking on his father’s door. Oh, my gosh. It was just amazing.
Amy Stone [00:43:56]:
And so. And you turned that into a film. Documentary.
Mark Steven Porro [00:44:00]:
It’s a documentary that’s actually on a cup of tea on the. If they Google a cup of tea and the commode. We’re everywhere.
Amy Stone [00:44:06]:
It comes up.
Mark Steven Porro [00:44:06]:
A couple tea on the commode.org is the website and there’s a section called Bonus Materials. And in that I actually have the. Well, if they look it up, it’s chowchella. It’s on YouTube. But the documentaries is on that bonus page, which is a lot of other things that we mentioned in the book that people may be interested in. So I added some poems and memory books and photographs that we talk about in the book. And so this thing was great because I did the trip and we went all over Italy at that point. We spent 16 days together. And again, that might have been my first caretaking experience because my dad’s life was in my hands. He was not doing well. And one brother even said we never expected him to come back. And I said, you know, it would have been nice to tell me how bad things were. They didn’t. They kept it from me.
Amy Stone [00:45:00]:
It’s. It’s hard. It’s hard to, you know, share that information in family. So they should have. But it can be really hard. That’s really impressive. Like, so you turned one, you’re writing the books, you’ve got the documentary. There’s probably many other things I could talk to you about and go on and on forever, but I’m going to call it. That’s it. Mark, thank you so much for being an excellent guest today on the show.
Mark Steven Porro [00:45:24]:
Thank you. My pleasure.